General

Everyday I look at my parents and this conflict starts in my head – what would it be like if they knew what I was going through? Would they help me? Or would it just make things weirder? So after discussing and debating with myself for so long, I think I ought to tell them. Maybe I should just tell them. What’s the worse thing that could happen? And yep, less than 24 hours ago I was determined to ignore all these thoughts and have peace for a while but seems like that ‘while’ was too short. Seems like these thoughts don’t wanna sink in […]

Even writing this, I feel weak, ashamed and stupid.
I was bashed and raped a few years ago by a stranger at the public toilets in the city one night.
Ever since then, I’ve just felt broken and lonely. I just feel so tired. It’s like I’m wearing this mask – pretending to be that happy, funny and friendly person that everyone likes. It’s just hard and I can feel the mask slipping and slipping.

I’m trying to be strong but all I want to do it grab my old friend the pocket knife and cut. I even cleaned the knife in boiling water…

He killed me […]

People tend to remember important things to them.

But when they begin to forget those important things.

Doesn’t it mean that those are not important anymore?

Finally they are starting to forget.

It’s fine, it’s better this way.

Maybe soon…

I called her a total of five times yesterday. I texted her a total of two times yesterday. I screwed up again. I was just really frustrated with the whole situation. It’s been almost two months since she ghosted me, and I was getting tired of it. I was tired of being ignored. I know things are probably pretty bad for her right now what with the quarantine and all. She probably hasn’t been able to get the medical help she needs for her mental health. That makes her withdrawn. But I was still tired of […]

I’m waiting for someone who will come take me away to the promise land and help me out of this hell hole that I get to call my life. I’m in pain and all I do anymore is sleep when I was to be happy it doesn’t work because people can see behind those lies and I can’t. I’ll lie about being okay and then think I’m okay when I’m really not. The stars will shine so bright at night it’s almost hypnotizing. I mind my own business in my hoodies and sweatpants but I don’ t know what I’m doing anymore. Falling out of […]

I’m scared, I’m scared of a lot of things but non less then love. I’m so scared to fall in love that it gives me anxiety. I shake and tremble. The last time I fell in love was with this amazing guy. I let my guard down and he took advantage of it. Took my heart told me that he would love me forever and that we wouldn’t hurt me. Stupid for me to believe him. He still crosses my mind. I’m with this girl who I’m falling for. It’s to the point where I want to cry but I can’t because I’m so numb […]

All day today, I feel amiss. I want to cry, but I cannot shed any tears.
I feel like I’m drowning, but I’m still breathing.
I want to reach out but I feel like a burden so I suffer in silence, while pretending everything is okay.
Only when I’m finally by myself, confined to my room, do the tears fall onto the keyboard.
It sucks being overwhelmed, upset and a multitude of other feelings. I’m beginning to become annoyed too, because I’m aware of how I feel, and I shouldn’t be stuck, feeling alone and being so, so sad. I know the world is beautiful.

So […]

I did my weekly call today. Still no response. I left a voice message. Didn’t really know what to say except that I just wanted to check on her and that I wish we could talk. It’s starting to wear me down. At this point I’m just expecting to be disappointed. Whenever I get the urge to call I just tell myself “Just wait a little longer. You can be disappointed tomorrow.” I know that she won’t respond to texts. I know that if it rings more than once she won’t pick up. I’m just […]

Not suicide related

I don’t think the past abuse will ever really escape me. I can’t magically erase years upon years of psychological abuse from my mind. I’m always going to have those memories. Apart from that, I’m just a sad excuse for a human being all around. I don’t really care about anyone (I admit it, some can’t :P). I don’t even seem to care about making sure my ex gets enough sleep, or goes to sleep at the right time. I told him that I’ll actually help this time. Meh. I’m just going to feel like a parent now :/

My own sleeping is all […]

This is an attempt to recover from whatever agony or ongoing mental illnesses are plaguing my mind and possibly my brain. I have suffered from depression ever since a teenager. I find bravery in telling my stories or my life experience. I probably could listen to hours of people life’s stories or perspectives on life since no sees through the same window pane. And more importantly, your values. What creates meaning to your life and what makes you feel as you have a purpose, or whatever is making you cling onto your life preventing suicide, which can easily can be our primal instincts of survival. […]

maybe im just having a bad day. sometimes i hate myself for no reason. well there is a reason. but idk what it is. maybe its just a bunch of reasons all jumbled together. i confuse myself with my thoughts. i can write a whole essay about how sad i am and how i want to die but then five minutes later i could read it again and be like ‘lol i dont feel that way at all’ and be in an amazing mood. ill probably do that after i write this too. idk its just weird. i think most of this is just that […]

My Parents got divorced about 10 years ago, i was 12 years old back then. It kind of took away all the happiness i had in my life. My parents still cared about me but our emotional connection felt like it got completely cut of. From then on i felt seriously alone in this world and didn’t hug any human being for at least 4 years, because no one was around to give me that kind of attention, and i still don’t really know anyone i could hug now. Right now, same as a lot of us, i’m in quarantine and feel worse than ever […]

i think he’s gone.

it’s been over a week since i’ve heard from him. he’s opened my messages and viewed my posts. but no word.

i knew it was coming, i guess. but i didn’t want to believe it. he told me he wanted me to meet his family when this was all over. he checked in on my self-harm progress. he let me think he cared.

i truly believe silence, when paired with a consciousness as warped as my own, is the cruelest thing in existence. it’s heartless, and brutal, and inescapable, until it is broken.

but silence without consciousness? that is a beautiful thing. that is peace. […]

How much longer until i wake up from this nightmare?

I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.

This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?

So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?

I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so […]

Today was more depression than anxiety, I find depression atleast tolerable in an hour to hour sense. I find depression robs you of your life, motivation, joy and dulls everything. But with depression I havw thoughts that I can survive another couple of years. I find anxiety makes me want to kill myself way sooner rather than later. It brings the thoughts of surviving a couple years to just surviving a few more weeks. Whats your guys expeirence with the two, do you always have both?

I had my first therapy session with my new counselor yesterday. I want to say she is the fifth one I’ve ever had. It’s hard to keep track. Anyways it was a pretty standard first session. Asked me basic demographic info, family history, social history, relationship history, what is my medication, what I have been diagnosed with etc. Overall standard procedure. The latter half was bit more interesting though. My main reason for trying therapy again is that I recently learned that I have a fear of failure. It was a somewhat odd observation, seeing as how […]