General

So I don’t know how to talk to anyone I know about how I’m feeling without feeling like I will burden them some more so here I go.

I’d been feeling suicidal as of late and my country’s reaction towards COVID-19 had not been that helpful towards my mental health. My current boyfriend just nearly had a break down following our most recent news and I am trying my best to console him while I’m not feeling it myself. So I feel like I can’t be that anxious with him or talk about the extent of my feelings and suicidality without reassuring right back that […]

Now my goody two shoes, straight as an arrow friend wouldn’t mind having a drink with me. If I remember correctly before he swore hed never touch the stuff. I never meant to…… It’s all my fault….

Stupid fucking idiot. Me. I’m the stupid fucking idiot. Look at this message my friend sent me “If you can keep fighting your addictions and win, that would be awesome, and i’d be super proud of you” I lied. I knowingly lied to him. Im not leaving my smokes home. No I haven’t had one in years but might as well. Proud. HA! He’ll never be proud of […]

I need to learn to control my impulse. I used to just shove it down and run away. I’m sure it was out of fear more than anything. It’s been about two days. I check just to see and that’s all. I spend my time thinking and analyzing and worrying and calculating. But that get’s thrown out the window when I have an impulse. I have very little selfcontrol. I find myself at a standstill. I ran and that didn’t work and I gave into my impulse and that didn’t work. A tiny part of […]

When you dream, and you have nightmare. Your subconscious mind is acting out your fears and anxiety. Most importantly, your response to those situations. Our brains are like computers. You have sh$t programs running, inability to function, so code errors. Only thing a computer is lacking is emotional intelligence and morals. Plus, we are the sum of all our life experiences, and daily habits. If you have done nothing with your life like I have. You have no superior knowledge or a great plan with your life. I just lack alot of family support, or willpower to live. My anxiety and fear just preys on […]

so, usually i’m hopelessly depressed. i truly cannot tell you a time in which i was able to envision a future. still can’t. really weird stuff cause now im in high school and i don’t know what im supposed to do cause i cant imagine myself anywhere, doing anything. also idk how to kill myself. i mean like obv i know i could do carbon monoxide or jump or whatever, but like i cant do it. which sounds stupid and now everyone here is going to think im some annoying teen with no problems but like im really sad but i cant kill myself but […]

im with someone that is negative, hypocritical, and seems to only see my body.my situation is fucked up and its all my fault. im married i really should drop my friend, its all my fault. ive fucked everything up. at this point i just want to watch my head explode.

(might have been a bad time to get drunk and high. on top of this my grandfather will be here in a few hours. the one person that knows nothing about my mental state, the drinking, the drugs, cutting……and here i am in an extremely bad mental state, drunk, stoned and probably about to cut) professional […]

There’s so much conflict in me between the parts of me that want to live and those that think I shouldn’t. Even if I could find someone who wanted to be involved with me on a surface level (feels unlikely), I’d never be able to be honest with them. And maybe that would feel even worse than this complete loneliness. To be deceiving someone you cared for, to be deeply wronging them simply by your involvement. So close to a meaningful connection, but fundamentally lying about who you are.

There’s a monster in me. That sounds melodramatic, but it’s the best way I can think to […]

one day in gr 3’s summer break, i sat through the tv sales ads and watched spongebob all morning just like every day else.

around 1 I took a nap.

mosquito bumps, the buzz of cicada, the linen beddings were moist to the touch, air conditioning wasn’t on to save power. It was nap time yet I wasn’t sleepy. i remember how my eyes traced to the patterns of the off white nylon curtains. i wasn’t much of a napping person as a child, but the only way to escape the heat was to go to sleep.

then the afternoon, it was the hottest part of the day. […]

I have posted a few things the last few days concerning my depression and my yearning to just disappear from it all.   The depression has been with me at least 50 of my 58 years and I can say the yearning to disappear has been with me since I was 12 or 13.

Recently I’ve been doing a sort of “mental sort” of key triggers of my depression and One that I never thought was a major factor was the state of affairs.      I was always able to see hope past world events and economic cycles.   My triggers tended to be from loneliness or […]

I think I’ll start posting consistently again for a bit. I just feel like everything is leaking out, so I might as well vomit it into this cesspit. It’s kind of sad. Coming here for sympathy when most of the people here are in abusive relationships, addicts, cutters, etc. My problems are relatively small compared to all that. Anyways, I’ve always have my headphones on. Not the small ones that go into your ear. I’m talking about the big over-ear ones. With big squishy cups for the ears. I just feel comfortable with them on. Not […]

I feel like this year has broken me. First there was the suicide that I had mentioned earlier. Now, due to the coronavirus pandemic, school is cancelled and I’m certain I’ll never see my friends again who are seniors because I have no money to see them except when they are at school. I’ve sunken into a deep depression and just lay down crying and staring at the ceiling while staying home and cannot resist the urge to cut. I don’t want to self harm but I am so sick of people leaving in my life without me having a chance to say goodbye. So […]

I don’t think I’ve attempted a single time since. These few years I’ve been working on me. Working and not much else. People say I’ve come a long way since years ago and that may be true but nothing has changed in my eyes. I have nothing to live for and nothing I’m passionate about. I don’t want to just live for me. Can’t seem to program my brain that way. I’m always so frustrated over the way I am as a person and can’t stand it. I don’t think I know who I am. I want things I can’t have.  I care about things […]

I have no idea how to do this. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. The one person I try to go to has a hard time with consistent communication. It’s not her fault. Her problems are much bigger than mine. She might be reading this. Hard to say. I’m probably making too much of a big deal. Either way, I have no idea how to process my thoughts. I have no idea how to properly analyze them. I have no idea how to simply be ok with myself. […]

I have no friends to talk to about this, so I might as well post here. Sometimes I browse r/relationships out of curiosity, and everytime it renews my fear of people. It’s constantly filled with people who have no idea how to deal with their relationships and their own mental health and the health of their partner. It makes me realize that nobody has no real idea of what they are doing and that you really can’t tell what’s going on in people’s heads. People are these bizarre unpredictable creatures that act out of impulse 50% of the time and overthink […]

Hello again. In to the madness of my mind. Hi how are you I’m “Fine” you don’t talk that often. You’re right I don’t. I don’t because I don’t see a reason to because when I talk I get ignored and when someone talks to me I act normal because when I don’t I get shut down. You sleep a lot you should get out of your room. Breath you’ll be fine don’t think about it. I’ve been hurt too much to trust anyone so I sleep and breath and talk. Screaming for help but nothing comes out I’m silent. Suffocating in silence on the […]

So, yeah. Coronavirus is a thing.

And I can safely say that if I get it I’m killing myself right then and there. I’m not doing this to “die with dignity” or any of that shit, because as bad as this shit is, it’s not young healthy people like me who are at risk. It’s people who are older, people with weaker immune systems, or young children who really have it bad. And I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s parents, child, or grandparent getting this thing. And I especially don’t want my family to be exposed to this shit. I’d much rather die […]