General

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that […]

So…I should kill myself, because I’m a worthless piece of shit. But I’m not going to, because I’m a coward. Which leaves me having to face my own worthless shittiness.

The obvious solution would be to stop being such a worthless piece of shit. But that’s easier said than done. My instinct is to be that way. When I try to do otherwise, it feels worse. It’s like the wrongness in me is constantly fighting to be expressed. Constantly suppressing it is an effort I’m just not motivated to maintain.

So, realistically, I’m not going to change. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m just going to […]

Just procured some Trainwreck strain of marijuana. 100 euros worth to be precise. Things are bad, real bad, this will help if only for a few hours. It’s ironic the strain is named Trainwreck considering I think more and more of suicide by train with each passing day. Anyway gonna spark up a joint and escape from the unbearable reality of my life for the evening.

No matter what the occasion. I looked for cup holders i didnt find any, stop being a little *****. I want to do the dishes you should stop being a ***** or i wont keep giving you passes before i fuck you up. If i help clwan when i know shes stressed she will find a way to lash out at me. If i buy the groceries cover the bills and work 3 jobs im still a *****. What will it take for me to not be a ***** anymore?
What is it i can do that stops the slur of insults to my person […]

Sometimes its best for them if they dont know. They dont need to know im suicidal again. He doesnt need to know i tried to jump out of a moving vehical. He doesnt need to know failing that i tried to cause an accident to make him let me go.

No one NEEDS to know.

When you reach your last day on earth and you look back at your life, does it seem strange that this is all there was? Working every day, feeling exhausted all weekend, going back to work every day, paying bills, doing all that god-forsaken math to balance your budget, with brief moments of spontaneous enjoyment like little rays of sunshine piercing through an otherwise stifling room? Well, at least you got to stack some boxes every day at work for 25, 30 years, and at least you got a change of scenery every time you changed jobs or got laid off. At least you got […]

I had suicide ideation now for a good year now. All I see is darkness and nothing else. It feels like I am alone and that no one is ever there for me. Ever since my EX broke up with me I felt my whole world becoming filled with more and more darkness. It’s now gotten to the point i cut my wrists on a daily basis to try and get rid of my emotional pain but it doesn’t seem to work. I also tried to take up alcoholism to drink away the pain but that didn’t seem to work either. Now all I see […]

I cant say much because I dont want to label and pinpoint people I went out shopping grocery shopping with mother and had a horrible day I want to get a New PTSD diagnosis from doctor for heavier meds Ptsd and just plain peace of mind Just so much rage and Hate towards my father and his side of the Family their super super Mexicany Here in Cali we call em “Paisas” Well im more of a Alternative chick with ties to gangster guys then theres the mainstream crowd the Young Mexican crowd doesnt like me, And I dont like them………………    Not at all […]

My life is a mess. My father is an end stage renal failure patient, detected in the month of August 2016. Since then i don’t know where my life’s heading. My mother is old and we all are living together in a place away from my hometown due to my job posting. My aunt stays with us too. I am nearing 40 yrs, not married and I have decided not to. My father has to undergo home dialysis four times each day. During my stay at office in the day, my aunt helps him, who is completely bed ridden,  to perform the dialysis. I return […]

My life has gotten so fucking terrible lately, it’s funny just because of how ridiculously horrible it is. I’m finally ready to die, and have figured out a way to kill myself. I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the year 2020, and everyone else would be better off without me.

I know people would miss me and cry over me and shit, but I hold everyone back, and that’s just a fact you can’t avoid. I have suffered almost every mental illness that exists, and I feel like I’m in a point in life right before death: I know I’m about to die, so […]

you say you do, but you put my step and half siblings first. i was gone for 18 years. you say you love me. you say you thought of me everyday and yet i havent heard from you in over a year. not a hi or how are you. NOTHING! oh well. in the meantime i got married and bought a place. but you dont know anything about that. some dad you are. so excited to message me when i turned 18 you couldnt even wait 1 more day. you messaged me a day early….well…where are you now? sending your girlfriend to do it? really? […]

For a while, I was becoming something. I was becoming somebody that my Mother could be proud of.

For a while.

Now I am working towards nothing. I have become a fucking loser, a waste of fucking space, a fucking burden. And I have nothing to fucking live for, yet I have convinced myself that I do not want to kill myself. I spend all fucking day at home shooting the shit, pitying myself for what I have fucking become. I have become fucking worthless.

I want to just go. I want to go as far away as possible and keep fucking going until I find the farthest […]

I came back to this site saying I just needed to talk. I wasn’t going to do anything, but I that I did feel like dying again. I have a plan to revisit the issue when I am 50. I don’t want to leave my daughter or my husband. But…

There is always a but…

I’ve been planning again. I’ve been wanting to get my stuff together. Wanting to have everything ready – just in case.

simply fed up of my life dont know why im living this life its meaningless no one there to care for me…no one to share feelings….no positivity in my life

Rivets smash. Most things break if you smash them hard enough. I smashed 280lbs of glass today. I will do it again tonight. That’s the best part of the day – the smashing hour. Tempered glass goes “BOOSH” when it smashes. It’s the greatest sound in the world. If I could find a job where all I had to do all day was smash glass, I’d take it in a heartbeat, even if it paid minimum wage.