General

I feel so tired. I have little desire to get up in the morning. I have little want to go to campus. I have little desire to do anything. I used to enjoy weekends. Free time was nice. Now all I do is lay in bed. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I’m so alone. So bitterly alone. It hurts. I don’t know what I want. I feel like my luck has run out. There is a cathartic feeling to it. I’ve always been waiting for it to happen, and […]

I really thought I was finished with these feelings. I thought I was finally doing good. People say I now have the dreamjob. I thought it was myself. But now I’m realizing how it’s locking me into a position with no ability to escape when I feel like shit.

Not sure what I wanna do with this life. It’s so pointless… Now I’m gonna start making money, but instead I have no time to spend that money on the things I like. The things that require time…

And on top of lack of time. I also miss a girl. This is gonna be a long winter…

I know that they are getting tired.

Tired of me.

Eventually, everyone will get tired of me.

The time is coming.

This is all for the best.

It will hurt, but it is better this way.

They don’t need me.

When everyone will get tired of me.

I will finally be free.

I feel it.

It’s coming near.

I am torn between two views of reality, and of the self.

One is that the self is dependent on the brain. It changes as the brain changes, and as the brain is damaged by injury or disease. Who you are is what your brain does. As the brain dies and is broken down and subsumed into other organisms, so the self fragments and is dissipated.

The other is that the self can somehow transcend death, and will be held to account for it’s actions in life. That it is a discrete entity, which can be detached from the world, and judged alone. That in some sense […]

I can’t take anymore of these endless tortuous days. I have had hope for years of getting better and determined to find an answer but now, I don’t have any energy left for hope anymore. I’m not getting better and obviously I’m not going to get any better so it’s time to plan for leaving. I have to wind up a few things and find a way to leave first. I really wanted to get better but it’s not working out that way.

So tired… mentally fatigued…surely an immediate death is right for one who might as well be dead… I’m just killing time and don’t even enjoy being alive, don’t appreciate it. Wish I could just lie down and expire in my sleep, kind of like going to the state of non-consciousness I’ve experienced when under general anesthesia, but staying there and never awakening.  I wish that were an option…something easy, something that doesn’t need for me to be strong.

But apparently that is something you need to have to be successful, whether in trying to make it in life, or end one.

the thoughts are getting too loud, i dont want to write anything about my life and why it is this way. i want to leave i need to leave suicide prevention chat doesnt work videos talking about everything will work doesnt do shit i can’t talk to anyone but i need to be here i can’t stay any longer but i need to or i’ll have to fucking ruin their lives i cant it hurts so bad i don’t care about the pain of suicide i need to leave i cant though i need to i cant i’m trapped here for the rest of my […]

I am done with this cruel world. I have had it. Constantly being betrayed, stabbed in the back and trampled. I treat people with respect and dignity. I ask nothing in return, not even a thank you. I just help because I see suffering and want to help. I need no thanks. Even that is too much to ask. After I Helped them, asking nothing in return, they still have the fucking audacity to stab me in the back. Maybe I’m that naive, to believe that people and family members  have good in their hearts. That at least these individuals are not so […]

Ever since my dad killed himself 3 years ago, I’ve found it really hard to relax with other people. I’m fine in a group, but when I’m one on one with another person I feel so much pressure. It’s like half my mind is with the other person and engaged, and the other half is in my own head, constantly thinking about what to say next. This feeling is present with pretty much everyone apart from my mum and a few others. I hate awkwardness and I just feel in constant fear of it. I am always overthinking whether the other person is […]

I cant keep doing this. The days all feeling the same. They all feel faded and grey, I come home with the intention of picking up a blade to my thighs, and then am tempted to swallow a handful of pills. I can’t keep doing this. Regretting the same things, replaying the same memories, feeling the same heartbreak. I can’t keep going through this constant cycle of loving and losing, it just hurts too much. Everything hurts too much

. I’m still in high school. I have amazing friends and family. I have my entire life ahead of me. I should be okay. I should be […]

Apparently I’m just designating all the blame on myself and I am just regretting all my decisions in my life right now. I can’t do this. I can barely breath. Everything just ends up being my fault and I’m so tired of being here. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

I have a diagnosis app nov27th. I have a therapist app dec3rd. I already missed 2 therapist appointments. And honestly at this point im thinking about just cancelling them all.

And now I’m back into that stupid feeling of needing more scars. I know it makes no sense, and I know I’m doing fairly well with not cutting even if my last cut just now healed but it’s better than before, but worse than after that but before now…. I’m just starting to feel like I don’t have enough scars, and don’t have severe enough looking scars, I know that’s probably not true but I still feel that way. I hate this, I’m probably going to fall back in eventually. I’ve also been sleeping a lot lately, haven’t slept today and I’m tired but for […]

So I’m a little drunk. Bite me. I’ll probably regret typing the things in my brain when the buzz wears off. Go figure, that’s life I guess.

Have you ever thought about the expectations people have for you? At work – they expect you’ll want to be a good employee, to fit the mold for a leadership position, because who doesn’t want that? That you’ll want to advance your career, such as it is, and take on more responsibility. Or at home – that you’ll want to start a family, have kids, a wife (or husband), a house and maybe 1.5 dogs. I don’t know what […]

Just for relaxation’s sake.

I’m in college and have good grades. Everyone thinks I’m happy because I smile a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling sad, like anything matter, I end up fucking up things with my family, with my boyfriend and my friends. I’m just so tired of living, can’t stop thinking of putting and end to everything.

I get good grades, I’m well behaved, everybody expects me to be perfect. However, last year I got suspended from
high school and there’s a chance that I’m gonna get suspended again. I’m always fucking up, ending it all would make it so much easier. Not only am I getting in trouble at school, at work, at home, everyone hates me. I’m drifting from my friends, there’s literally no one there for me. Fuck my life.

I’m not here to impress you. I don’t need your validation. I don’t require your consent for my continued existence. I don’t exist as a foil for your otherwise perfect day. I am not here to perform services for your benefit. I am not here for you to look at and think, “My how pretty.” I am not interested in your thoughts about how unkempt my beard is. I am not concerned by your shock at my disregard of your social norms. I am not interested in your social norms.

Does that make me a bad person, a crazy person, an antisocial person, or does it […]

Sorry this is just a rant piece, nothing really helpful to anyone reading.
Think I’ve been caught with a bad habit, been trying to lose weight – think you can imagine what it is.
I’m nowhere near my goal weight and I’m afraid I’ll be made to stop. Not to mention the damn humiliation of anyone, let alone my whole family, knowing.
I was diagnosed with bipolar four years ago and only just managed to convince my family that it wasn’t true. Of course it is hahaha, every time I’m in hypo-mania I think I don’t have it.
So anyways I’ve crashed hard and as […]

I cannot keep it up like this. I will kill myself soon.