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Send me a quick message via kik at Kalmahavak. I’ll gladly talk to any of you or be a friend to anyone who needs it. 🙂 Let’s get through this shitty world together!
So I knew this girl K, we were together for more than a year and I really loved her, actually I could imagine spending my whole life with her. We broke up in February, at first it has been more tough for her, but she moved on in like three weeks when she started dating this asshole D who has been around her since we met, she annoyed her all the time adressed her “honey”, “sweetheart” e.g., if there is someone I hate to death it is this guy. When I found out, I just lost it and attempted a suicide by knife, but I […]
I wish l had an easy exit at da momnt
I don’t understand what is going on with me, I just don’t feel joy anymore. Okay I feel some sort of joy momentarily, for example when I see something super interesting or very funny, but these just last a couple of seconds. I don’t have interest in pretty much anything. And when I have the interest I cannot find the energy to pursue it, I’m indifferent to so many things. I’m looking back and seeing that the last time I was happy was back in 2011 or something. And one day in 2015 when I bought myself something that I wasn’t expecting to find. I […]
I feel like if i could love someone. save them from what im feeling right now. i could be ok.
every second of the day i wish i had someone to hug. im not lonely, im just upset that i cant love someone.
i have so much love to give, the only time im happy is when i make other people happy.
but nobody wants to let me love them because im a freak.
life is like the movie taxi driver. im in a constant dreamstate trying to choose between proving my masculinity with violence or heroic compassion towards a someone who needs me.
i […]
He adopted me. I was going grocery shopping and when I opened my door to step outside, he raced into the apartment and now refuses to leave. I guess I’ve got room for one more.
The days don’t stop. I got a taste of happiness and freedom. A week of that and I returned to this hell only to spiral back down. I’m so tired. So so tired.
https://youtu.be/XZiZkhmBCKs
Um. What can I say.
You’ve just been rick-rolled
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone […]
Sometimes I draw imaginary people, and I literally fall in love with my drawings. I spend time looking at it. It drives me crazy, I need to love an actual person. Well I should try to know people, make friends, blah blah. Fuck that, I can’t. I aint got the ability to. I need someone to love.
I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the […]
How does one start a conversation they dont want to have but feel its best?
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.
Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used […]
My last post was on Christmas Eve 2012. It was a Christmas wish list. I didn’t get any of the things on it.
Meanwhile, I’ve gone through another cycle of recovery and decline. Guess which part of the cycle I’m at now? Whilst I’m not quite ready to catch the bus, I’ve spent much of the past 7 years researching and planning. Some of this includes installing safety mechanisms to ensure I don’t go too soon or too hastily, whilst ensuring that I can still leave when I’m truly ready.
Looking back on my old posts from when I was at my […]
I find it so hard to keep hold of a consistent view of reality. I’m not psychotic – I don’t see or hear things that aren’t there. But I am extremely neurotic. My perceptions of this world and it’s nature are constantly fluctuating, from moment to moment, and I don’t know how to cope with that. No matter how many times I hammer out my reasons for continuing to live, and write them down to try to reinforce them, within a few hours I’ll be gripped by despair again and emotionally convinced I’d be better off dead. It’s an endless loop.
I believe my parents would […]
What is this feeling?
Maybe I fancy you
When you try to search me when im disappear
When you insist to call me when i jail myself
When you try to make me laugh
When you wonder what happen
When you ask if i cry
When you tell your story
When you always hear my story
When you always there
If i keep this as a secret
Until that time come
Will you still be there for me
Will you still fancy me
What should i do
I started to like your voice
Again
It doesnt matter who like who first
Right?
the easiest way to describe how i feel is just
*internal screaming*
im so fucking done with just everything
why cant it just be over
i dont give a fuck anymore
i have accepted defeat
there is no future
i have no future
im ok with it
why cant i just skip to the part where
im in my appartment, or homeless
i dont care
i just want to be alone
if a tree falls and nobody is around to witness it and nobody ever finds it, did it really ever happen?
if i am a failure, and nobody is around to care. was i […]
I live with pain. Not “a” pain, but most days pains in every place I am aware of; some days I hurt in places I had no idea I had. Then today came.
Today, things were beyond belief. I had pain that completely shocked me. In fact, it frightened me. I felt like I had swallowed Satan himself after he’d been kicked in the balls by a priest and he was trying to claw his way out of my torso.
For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have […]
I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop […]
As you lie there falling to sleep
I can’t help but think
what’s left to loose
I’ve lost you
many time
your friends said don’t talk to him
“maybe they are right”
what if they are right
what if me leaving is the best for you
for both of us
so I can get going
and you can get better
I don’t know why you are still here
for me
I don’t know why I’m cared for
I don’t deserve you
you are happier without me
I caused you troubles
pain
it’s just one step to one small step to take
by the train platform
just one small step
and I can’t hurt you anymore
just one more heart ache that you will get over
one more
i don’t know […]