Looking back on what I’ve posted here a year to a year and a half ago, it’s so weird to me. As if I’m not the one who actually wrote those things. The negativity in those posts made me cringe, but I guess it can be good to vent sometimes. I’m in a better place now, though I still have my lows and struggle with insecurities. Despite this, I’d like to think things will turn out okay.
That’s all it takes… a moment. Everything in our lives is affected by every decision we choose to make in every present moment.
Earlier today my Mother chose, in a moment of despair, to go to her closet and get her handgun.
Earlier today I chose, in a moment of awareness, to go upstairs in response to the out of the ordinary noise I heard.
My life could have changed in a moment, and hers could have ended, had I not walked upstairs just as she was about to lock her bedroom door.
I just wanted to remind everybody of how important a single moment in time can be. […]
Life is not fair
Some people are lucky,
Some people are not
Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide
Everything is just only a random chance
The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe
Nothing matters.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal […]
When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..
The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..
And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are […]
For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, […]
I was in a very very dark place not too long ago. I felt worthless and like I had no purpose. But I recently went to a Catholic conference and I had an encounter. I met so many caring people, and I also experienced a loving God and I finally felt seen and known and loved. I found my purpose in life is just to spread love to people, and I don’t have to do anything to make my life worth living. I found healing and I haven’t gone back to that dark place since then. I found healing in God and there is a […]
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too […]
May 15, 12:44AM
it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not […]
I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.
Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.
I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.
Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so […]
I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least […]
I am actually doing it I am leaving him. I got approved for an apartment today and can move in next week. Its in the same complex as one of my work friends so I have support and she can help me watch out for him. I am also getting him to sign something saying he wont take the dogs from me, and within a year I can file for divorce and really be done. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t have any furniture or anything else for that matter but i don’t care im done with the abuse and even if im […]
It was weird seeing things I wrote 4 years ago. In so many ways, I have come a long way. In so many ways, I have stayed the same.
So I was V.C.333 when I was here before. I have no idea what that name means, or where I got it from. I just went back to the time I was around here before and found the posts.
Things are not as bleak and hopeless as they seemed then. I was on a lot of medication then for fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I went to a new doctor, and she said that before she would see me, I […]
She hugged me today.
She’s hugged me twice before. On my birthday, and again, on a day when I was miserable.
But today… I wasn’t turning a year older, or falling apart inside.
She just, hugged me. For no reason. Because, she wanted to? Because she thought I would want her to?
I don’t know. But for once, there wasn’t a clear reason..
Maybe now I’ll finally be brave enough to hug her. And not feel restrained by the necessity of needing a reason.
Between the line of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came…
A lyrics from The Fray, How to save a life.
I’ve been bullied when i was in grade school and it was the scariest thing a little girl have to go through.
Highschool was a lot of fun, except things from family starts to jump out.
I started to appreciate the songs Perfect and Welcome to my life by Simple Plan… Its really the lyrics that made me close to the music. It embrace me to bed.
Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day came in my playlist, That’s when i realize my friends don’t understand […]
I’m still here, found some friends who have been making my life better which has helped. Husband and I lost the house, we got some money back from it. And are now living with his parents. I’ve spent some of the money unbeknownst to him and now after 9 years (celebrated our 9th on Sep 27th) I am planning on leaving him. I wanted to know if ya’ll have any suggestions on what i should do before dropping this bomb on him that im walking away. Things have gotten good then bad and now worst, he is always angry at me and is now playfully […]
https://kissasian.sh/Drama/12-Suicidal-Children
I want to share this with you guys
The story heal me for today
Such a good thriler mystery movie
JUST WATCH IT !
I started my account here in 2012 I have been through a whirlwind of adventure. From countless suicide attempts I discovered a reason to stay alive. I definitely do struggle, I got severe post partum depression but that actually changed my life. It kicked me in the ass to get a job and I learned being a stay at home mom wasnt my thing and that’s okay. My fiance has abusive tendencies but honestly I do too and were working on them together. I have been the sole provider for nearly a year now my fiance can’t hold a job and money is my biggest […]
I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it […]
Four years later, I am here; thankful that I didn’t give up, that i didnt end it when i thought that was my only option. I reread some of my posts and i remember vividly what that time was like but to anyone reading, to anyone searching for a sliver of hope to hold on to: this is for you. An overused cliche line i used to hate is “it gets better”, I always thought it was just a stupid expression, a common courtesy. But it does truly get better, it wont be easy and it wont be fast; it takes time – […]