guitars were put out into the rain, being yelled at for knocking on the door of the house i live in, and now my ‘cats’ are apparently a large burden. [my two cats, [who have an outdoor enclosure and are both adults, desexed, and lovely [AND INVITED HERE]] [[already lost 5 others who i love just as much]] because of this type of bullshit and coming here to support these fuckwits], recently i’ve even been grilled for buying my nephews takeaway or bringing them to visit family. lol. all the while i’m trapped in a fucking shoebox next to a toilet whilst being the only […]
I recently saw a documentary titled “Encounters at the end of the world). It describes people that Werner Herzog (called narrator from now on) encounters in Antartica. At some point, the narrator discusses with a scientist studying penguins. The narrator asks if there is such thing as insanity among penguins, although he admits he is trying to avoid the definition of insanity or derangement. Could they go crazy because they had enough of their colony? The scientist replies that he has never seen any penguin bash their heads on a rock. But they do get disoriented. They end up in places they should not be, […]
I dreamt a lot last night. It wasn’t pleasant (it rarely is.) I dreamt of doing terrible things. Or wanting to do them. Of being on the verge of doing them.
And I dreamt of figures from my past, in new contexts. But I felt their disdain for me, and knew it was well earned. That they despised me, and were not wrong to do so. I had pretended to be someone else, and my true worthlessness had been revealed.
I don’t know at what point I became worthy of such disdain. I feel it was long before my worst acts. Maybe my personality was always shameful. […]
I feel like I’m insane like I can’t get a grip. I am trying so hard to keep it together every day and not lose it completely. I have internal battles, I can’t make decisions because I can’t trust that I am in the right head space and I second guess every decision I make. I exhaust myself, the smallest of things have set me off into a rage and I can’t control it. I cry to myself daily and the tears never stop. I have dark thoughts about offing myself constantly and I have to fight that away and it gets harder to do […]
Why is the idea of suicide looked down on. we now live in a world where people can choose to be whatever or whoever thay want to be. Why cant i choose to be dead . I might be wro g but it seems like we are only kept alive to work make people money and die. So its selfishness and greed that looks down on suicide.
i hate living with my parents and i’m slowly going insane, and i can’t do anything about it. i can’t live alone because i don’t know how to make money. i actually accepted a project to make some money and slowly become independant, but i cancelled it because i couldn’t deal with the stress of working and studying simultaniously.
i’m really tired. i really tried and tried but i failed every time. i’m currently studying computer engineering in a good university, it’s hard but i like it, and it would have been great if i didn’t have to deal with my parents 24/7. they’re really on […]
I decided the other day that it’s not that I love my life, and that my mom was right – I’m just a coward for wanting to die. I got excited when corona popped up, and every new strain or word of poosible war (that’s new, but not surprising) gets me hopeful instead of scared. I almost got hit by a car the day before yesterday when I was getting the mail. Haven’t told anybody about that, so now you know something about me that nobody else does, I guess? I wasn’t scared; I was embarrased for almost getting hit. I guess that solidifies that […]
I’m so done. I literally cannot take it anymore.
In the years prior to 2020, I had been in a really good mental headspace. I’m generally extroverted, into sports, etc. I’ve always been a coastal girl, and I’ve always aspired to become a surfer (hence the username, I made it on the fly).
I’d like to say that things began to go downhill for me around 2017. Just behind the scenes.
My dad had been in the military for about 20 years, however, was able to immediately flock once he reached that 20 year mark. He got a new job which required that we move.
The beach was my […]
literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they […]
im unable to talk to anyone or care about anything.. im not even sad at this point it’s more so i feel at peace. and in this peace i want to die. i dont want to worry people because i know they care but i just dont want to live. i dont want to be. i keep saying things will change but who am i kidding? like for fucks sake who am i kidding? i literally feel a hole in my chest. and i dont think it’ll ever go away its been here since forever. i know i must die but its just too much […]
I am an awful person. From every standpoint. No matter your philosophy, your personality, your politics, pretty much everyone can agree that I am scum – the lowest of the low. I am one of those quiet figures that drift through life in the background, keeping their evil intent hidden until it’s finally exposed. You may know that something’s off when you look in my eyes, but it only clicks into place when the truth is revealed.
Unfortunately (for me), I’m not a psychopath. I feel the shame of what I am. The isolation of it. Living with myself is hard. I don’t sleep well at […]
For the most part lately I’ve been having weird dreams but the one I just had was horrible.
We were turning down what I can only guess is a dirt road, it was winter and snow packed. A fourwheeler pulled in just before us. He didn’t even get 10ft in before loosing control and going over the bars into a telephone pole. We came to a stop cms before the bike. In the nightmare I had thought we hit him and killed him it wasn’t until after waking up did I realized we didn’t touch him. However 2 more bikes came up behind us and […]
I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself.
Okay I’ll try to make this as straightforward as possible. Would any of you guys like to join a groupchat in discord– I obviously don’t have anything against the other members here it’s just you guys stick out to me and okay it’s very hard for me to speak my thoughts without getting discouraged and frustrated and I’d very much appreciate it if any of you would talk to me because I cannot write in this format. I have autism and that prefrontal lobe disorder I mentioned and it makes it overwhelming because of the anxiety and I think I’m going to commit soon and […]
I have a little under two weeks before classes start again. This break has been longer than a month, so time has felt like it’s gone by real slowly. When I’m left with nothing to do I start thinking of how about all the things I screwed up. All my failures and odd quirks. I can’t help but think of all the times I ran away from responsibility and the like. All the time I spent worrying about pointless things and how there’s no use changing them. Do you ever get into the habit of doing something that eventually […]
No matter how many times I replay the situation over in my head I come to the same conclusion, I fucked up, I should of completed suicide not attempted suicide, its just not worth it. All I had to do was put the pillow or a bag over my head whilst intoxicated, instead my conscience got the better of me not fear and I alerted my family. I would of avoided years of hell, Suicide has been called the ultimate act of avoidance and this is very true. I can say with hand on heart it would of been better for everyone if I had […]
it’s been so long since I posted here
Im 19 now, I dropped out- listen, university ISNT for everyone. Especially if you’re rushing things.
my dad is back in Honduras again, I mean I’m happy about that at least. I’m afraid he’ll come back.. I know he will.
to hurt us.
im doing.. okay? I guess, I don’t know how to put it, i role play as ponies, My Little Pony OCS, they’re fun actually. I used to role play before, but I drifted away after I turned 15… then im back in it again. Oh how the world goes in a circle.
i get paid with unemployment […]
It’s been four and a half years since I visited this site. My last post was a suicide note. I lived through what followed, and I won’t go into details.
Whiskered-Fish, you still around? Your comments are what tipped me over the edge enough to not finish myself off. Your username ironically helped with that- I couldn’t let my pet catfish live life without me, after so long with me (sitting at 25 years with that fish now).
Or Cordless? You were another amazing positive influence. I hope I can see you in the comments some time soon..
Looking back at my profile, there are so many of […]
hello Im Andrianna and im 13. Im severely depressed and suicidal. its like no one can see me no one matters if im dead…so why not just die? life doesn’t matter anymore.. nothing does if someone is out there who can help me pls help this is my email andriannamueller@gmail.com