I cant seem to face the shame of my past. Stupid decisions and bad choices lock me up in the house. I have no job. I have no purpose and I dont care enough to change it. Ill lose my house soon. Thats when itll come down to it.
When I was 10 or 11 and my mom just got sick at the time and I was sent to live with my grandmother. Normally no big problem except my grand mother is a ***** and has favorite grand childen Im not one of them. Now the time I spent my grandmother I appreciated now she taught me how to make money cook clean. Problem I slept on the floor was not allowed on her orange suede couch.
But I do have good memories despite the the hours of drilling of being a good wife for the future. Like stay up late listing to music choice […]
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to […]
Reality is boring
real-life is boring
real-world is boring
not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
also,
I hate Humans , Humans suck
I hate Human , Human suck
I hate Humanity, Humanity suck
I hate people , people suck
Most humans / people only think about Money ,
and this reality is boring !
reallife is boring !
realworld is boring !
people / humans are so shallow, superficial, stupid, ignorant
Humanity is hopeless
if there is God , then God is boring !
even Science is boring too !
Science fiction (Sci-fi) is much more interesting than real Science facts !
why […]
This morning I found myself clutching my wrist. There was a bag of razors in the bathroom, my dad was watchin tv, it wouldn’t have been hard to just end it all right there. I dont want to kill myself, I want to be killed. I pray for someone to just run me over, to get my kidnapped by terrorists and shot in the head. I want someone to just do me a favor. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave my family? Do people on this earth really need me or am I just flattering myself? I just dont know anymore. I give up…
Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been […]
Ok so let’s get the elephant out of the room. I don’t expect to get help from anybody on this whatever it is. I am only crying for attention like I do whenever I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed right now and I have begun my suicidal thoughts again. I don’t want to preach or pretend like I have any insight to offer. All I want to do it express my feelings in this rant I’ve made;
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Words on a page what for and have we to. This drunken stupor of man’s design. To keep the life and the divine. To keep the soul intact and […]
This is actually a re-post. Not here in the SP, but this has been posted before in other sites.
I just felt like honoring a former fellow soldier who fought the good fight.
I’d say this is both fun and sad if you read between the lines. Creative nonetheless.
What do you think?
PERFECT ROMANTIC DINNER WITH YOUR LOVED ONE IN 12 STEPS
1. Pour yourself a glass of wine to relax, and to help you feel more comfortable around the food. To get down to its
level, so to speak.
2. Pour yourself another glass of wine. It’s great to be at home, in your own kingdom where you […]
So billons of ppl in the world x Amount of ppl on this site, so why are we all jis suffering so alone
A while back, maybe a couple months ago, I learned that my younger brother has had suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t know I know that. I found a few discarded journal pages lying around while cleaning up the spare room I’m staying in. I don’t know if this is a current thing or not but it scares the hell out of me. Not even for the obvious reason of him harming himself in any way, because I’m almost positive he wouldn’t. It’s because now I don’t know how badly it would affect everyone when I do finally kill myself, and the last thing I want in […]
I haven’t cried in years, but I cry often now.
I cried today because a teacher sent me a letter. I’ll probably fail that class. The message was from a month ago, but I was too scared to open my inbox until now.
I cried the other day because my sister ate a plate of spaghetti that my mum made for me, it was left in the fridge for when I got back home. I’d only eaten a few biscuits in two days, I was hungry. But I was too tired to cook anything now that I had no pasta, so I didn’t eat this […]
Those of you who saw my “Sushi-In-A-Desert” picture may have noticed this in the comments:
.
.
Um.
At some point on Sunday evening, I realized I couldn’t resist.
Samurai eating pizza in a bowling alley with an ancient Greek priestess.
Here:
.
For starters, you’re going to die. I assure you of this. I’m not saying to off yourself. I’m not saying you’ll be plagued with illness. Just that death is inevitable.
To the younger folks here. .. the teens and such. Well, I’m not trying to minimize your struggles, your feelings….but they’re so small. Someday you’ll see that. High school is so meaningless in the grand scheme. Parents suck, for one, that’s how it’s supposed to be. For two, you don’t have to stay attached to them. Shortly, you can go forge a path. No love interest? What’s the odds of actually staying with a hs […]
For about six weeks, things were actually going pretty good. I found a job, after six months without full-time work. I started running again several days a week, which clears my mind and stabilizes my mood in a way that nothing else can (I can’t swim, for instance, and I hate lifting weights because of all the pauses where my thoughts can creep back in). I went two whole weeks without wishing I was dead, for probably the first time in a couple years.
And then a week ago I hurt my knee and had to stop running. A few days after that I got into […]
Everyone at my home attacked me today.
Why? well lets just start with my mother.
So lately she’s been really mean to me for no reason. You’re probably thinking that it must of been for something, but no no reason at all. She says things to me like “i wish i never had you”, “you are pathetic and worthless”, “you’re a female dog” etc…
And what i do is walk away or ignore her.
Ok lets move on to my father. if i try to emotionally connect with anyone is my dad but he always pushes me away. example, “i don’t want to hear it”, […]
mother has been in the hospital for the last three days they thought she had a stroke or a heart attack . my mother has had paraplegic migraines and sist on the center of her brain . She was been sick since I was 10 or 11. ..now if she has relapased She will be like she was before was really bad I dont remember much becuase I shut those memories away.
Now the doctor said he found scaring on the brain the was scaring from the past but it might be new or if the sist grew that will be brain surgery.
There was no heart […]
I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can […]
I have been the happiest I’ve been in years these past few months. I’ve been feeling confident and beautiful but today all my depression flooded back. I know it’s going to be bad again. I’m not going to be able to get out of bed again. I have a beautiful 5 month old Husky. He is my best friend in the world and I love him so much. He doesn’t really care for me though haha but I don’t mind because I love him so much. But I know I’m not going to provide him with the care he needs anymore. I knows this hole […]
I’m not wanting anyone to say stop. I’m standing on the chair in the basement of my house. I have paracord tied securely to the steel beams of the house. A noose around my neck. Smoking my favorite cigarette. With a Guinness and a tall drink of jameson.
FUCK IT. IM GONE.
It’s by one of my favourite internet writers, he always has a good way of knowing the underlying meaning in things:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-ways-you-can-accidentally-become-social-outcast/
For those who don’t want to read it, it’s about how today’s social dynamics abuse and imprison the arbitrarily selected bottom few. It’s mainly about the time of adolescents but I think it explains all stages of life. Because of the way the world works, it needs an amount of people in the bottom for it to function and it doesn’t care how much mental damage this causes those unfortunate enough to be caught in the “shit pit”. It’s one of those harsh reality articles […]