Every opportunity I had I wasted, every decision I made was the wrong one. Every time I ask myself how I wound up where I am, the answer is always the same: Step by step. It was my own choices that brought me here, and my next choices, whatever they are, will get me out of here. That’s the killer… what I do next is decisive. I either choose not to wait, and abandon hope, or choose to wait, and maintain it. Then I ask… why? Why suffer? Just so I can make money that goes out as quickly as it comes in? To pay […]
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my life
My parents took me in. I have no idea how I got here. I can’t figure out how to care about anything. I miss my ex like crazy. It’s been a long time and I still wish I could have her back. We were together six years and I really thought it was going to be forever. Now I’ve had 3 jobs since last year and can’t seem to hold anything down. I really just still want to end it but I’m afraid and know it would kill my parents. I’m not sure anyone else would care and not sure how to make friends or […]
There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no […]
I am an addict, and I’ve attempted suicide several times. I haven’t been dependent on my parents in years, but because of my rather dramatic and reckless lifestyle they have made gracious gestures to assist me in getting better. This assistance comes with a heavy price, and as a result really leaves me in a state of inner turmoil with anger directed at people who believe they have my best interest in mind.
I have been on an annual cycle for the past few years, and it seems like understandably enough everyone is getting sick of it. Seems like my family doesn’t know what to […]
Like for real though, do you even want me to be happy? It sure doesn’t seem like it. All you are doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy, you have made me miserable. It seems like nobody cares about anybody anymore, am I the only one that has noticed this? Nobody is nice anymore, someone can be really hurt, and some would notice it, and what would they do… nothing. I hate my life, and I really don’t even care about anything or anybody too much anymore.
This is just another one of my useless,and stupid posts.
Hey SP, I am still alive and these are the reasons why I didn’t end my life.
The support and advice from people, and not people like friends and family, but you, the ones on SP, and for that, THANK YOU!!!
Belief in high power and I believe there is a reason for everything
And the fear of failing. Failing of ending my life because if I fail, then I will be judged by everyone who knows me.
I’m not going to get depression, death and evil in my life win this fight,
I lost my only child to “sudden unexpected infant death” at 9 months old. I fed her a bottle, laid with her till she fell asleep, laid her in her crib and then found her an hour later blue, cold and unresponsive. My husband did CPR until EMS arrived. They worked on her for over an hour and never could bring her back. My life ended that day. I’m simply an empty shell wandering around trying to be what doctors percieve as “normal/healthy”, considering. The only reason I’m still here is because I can’t bring myself to inflict this pain on my own mother. I […]
My heart hurts. Emotionally, yes, but the physical pain hurts just as bad. It’s a throbbing pain. It feel bruised and blistered.
I keep trying to talk to people but none of them seem interested. Even the people who mean most to me. It seems hopeless. Suicide thoughts are constant.
I love you Annie. I love you Zoe. I love you Lily. Thank you for being the best parts of my life. And shoutouts to Sam S and Tylee H, and Rylee R, and Jacob B, Nick F, Lynn K, Chase O, Dakota D, my dearest dogs, Anastasia M, Cassie P, X, Ralph Smart, Thich Nhat, Madissun […]
Hi. So, I’m just posting not because I have anything important to say, I never really do, but just because I wanted to post, and for me, as well as like every other day of the weak and of my life, Monday’s are shit, too. You happy, sane people don’t relate to me on this and couldn’t care less what I have to say, and I don’t know why I’m here sometimes I just, like writing. So today sucked. Spoiler alert, it was another shitty day, none of my days seem to be any better than the rest, usually only worse. But some days I […]
Well today is my birthday. The only reason im putting it out there is that I really didnt think I would make it to 40. Now im here im happy about it. Im proud of myself for not giving in to the destruction of addiction and keeping on trying to stop using no matter how many relapses I have. Im glad that I haven’t comitted suicide. The thoughts of ending have abated and I have found some things to live for. Im glad for new people in my life, no matter where they are. (Oops I think im writing a gratitude list). Thank u to […]
I’m not one to think of suicide when something bad happens in my life, but everyone at my school has drove me to that thought. I’ve always been bullied and been last or never picked cause of what people would say about me and how I’d be treated like someone’s little *****.. but it’s was always my nature to fucking forgive them and shit. I started to contemplate of ways to do suicide and actually think of myself never being there in people’s lives anymore and who’d about who would attend my funeral, but that was what drove me to not doing it ,because I […]
I’m failing highschool. I know that doesn’t seem like a huge deal but I’m supposed to be ‘the smart one’ in my family. I hate to say it, but most of my family are the typical ignorant, closed-minded people who just follow the crowd instead of researching a topic to make an informed decision. I will be the first person in generations to have completed high school. The pressure is immense. Everyday it’s in the back of my mind. “I wonder how many sleeping pills i have to take? Would gulping an entire bottle of vodka in one go do the trick?” All I hear […]
I’m not even sure if I can tell what is real anymore. The last year is a blur. I lost my wife. I quit my job. I lost my drivers licence. And now I cant even walk.
Recently I picked a fight with the wrong guy who broke my nose and then my leg when i was on the ground. As I am getting the shit kicked out of me I yell “KILL ME” at my attacker who immediately stops. Him and his friends back away as I black out.
I wake up in extreme pain. My foot is pointing the wrong way and I call an […]
Reality is boring , real life is boring , real world is boring , not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring
real-life is boring
real-world is boring
not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
also,
I hate Humans , Humans suck
I hate Human , Human suck
I hate Humanity, Humanity suck
I hate people , people suck
Most humans / people only think about Money ,
and this reality is boring !
reallife is boring !
realworld is boring !
people / humans are so shallow, superficial, stupid, ignorant
Humanity is hopeless
if there is God , then God is boring !
even Science is boring too !
Science fiction (Sci-fi) is much more interesting than real Science facts !
why […]
Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been […]
Why can’t my life be as beautiful as the ones I ruined once we’re? I walk alone and there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I’ve tried and there are no options. I’m still as indecisive and fed up as I was 4 days ago. 4 days ago, I don’t even know what I miss out on. If I had what I want, “BANG!!!” is the last thing I would hear. But one thing I can’t figure out is why I have to bear the very pain and agony I have suffered. Why I have to watch everyone be happy as possible and […]
Call the police is all I can hear. Then I hear my older sister “should I call the police?” I’m stuck, in shock. Only five years old. I just watched my dad beat my mom to the ground, and now he is holding a heavy giant porcelain lamp over her head. I thought he was going to kill her. I was frozen. Scared. I don’t know what made him put the lamp down. I really don’t think he even heard the pleading and crying of my older sister because I don’t remember him looking over at us…
Seeing my dad beat up on my mom was […]
Well after years of social isolation suicidal depression and stress the chickens are finally coming home to roost. I no longer have the will to live and spend half the day in bed. I am on antipsychotic medication and am due a hospital assessment to determine whether I need hospitalizing. As a loser and social misfit I need a miracle to get out of this trap. Suicide is of course so final and hard to face but I feel is my only option as my life has become sheer agony. My only tears are for those I’ll leave behind. No one can help me, no […]
Good Morning. I still don’t have a lot to say this morning. I seem to be cycling down again. I feel like I have whiplash lately. Up down, up down. I don’t seem to be losing the drive to paint and draw, which will most likely save my life this go around.
When I was younger I would cycle up and have about three solid weeks of pure creativity then it would leave me for 6 months and I would be completely destitute about it. Up until January of last year I had put away anything creative because it had […]
In my dreams, every night, I am back at school (it’s been nearly 10 years.) There, all my defences crumble, and I am confronted with my deepest fears. My peers can finally treat me with the contempt I deserve. No need to hide how pathetic, repulsive, or worthless I am. None of the kindness or tact that you find in real life. Everyone is completely callous, if not actively malevolent. I am an other, an outsider, to be sneered at, laughed at, and rejected. Everyone is against me, and I am powerless to escape or change the situation. Even the teachers despise me – I am […]