General

It seems that everyone is in the position of gambling on the nature of reality. By delaying ending my life, I am wagering that something terrible doesn’t happen in the mean time. Or that it will somehow pay off in terms of future happiness or fulfillment. Or that my endurance of suffering will be worth it in terms of protecting my parents and sister from the devastation of loss.

My problem is that I have no confidence in any of these reasons. There is every reason to believe that at some part, it will all fall apart. That my past will catch up with me, bringing […]

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel […]

I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But […]

I always come back. I reread my old posts. I browse new ones. I dont even necessarily wanna die anymore but I always am so drawn to this place.

Recently been trying to identify why I feel so unworthy and unwanted by people around me. I feel as if people always leave me, they no longer see value in me and that’s really affecting me and always has.

Moving though was the best thing for me, I love Arizona, I love the new people I met here. However the feelings run so deep for me i just want to latch on and i wish people […]

by literally everything. but let me explain my reality differently. i am stuck between life and death. melting. the place i find myself in is evil, and against me. but i created this for myself.. am i still in control? i can feel the friction as these walls slowly crush me. i am afraid of myself. have i really sold my soul?

It’s inevitable now, I’m going to drink antifreeze, about 5oz of it like 200ml, it just sucks it’s so bitter or I think I’d be able to down more, I know “no methods” but I wonder what mixer would make it more bearable. Then immediately after down a bunch of hydroxyzine, Xanax, klonopin (since glycol takes almost up to 3 days to be fatal I wanted to be out for the first half) Whatever I wake up to (I hope not a hospital) the “what if” urge I’ve been having for the last three months will be gone, I’ve never tried this much poisoning. I’m […]

i told him i was painting so i couldnt answer. i lied. i was going to hangout with my cousin and try a new drug. my cousin got into a car accident and we ended up not doing it. hes fine no one was even scratched. but it happened. i told him i wouldnt throw anything. that i would calm down. i ended up throwing something then cutting myself deeper then i think ive ever cut before. everything is getting worse. my drinking. my drug use. im sneaking behind peoples backs. i never lied to my friend before and not it seems thats all i […]

Is it just me or whenever you try to be transparent about what you’re feeling to someone it always ends up being about them like
“I feel like shit” and they be like “Sorry I’m useless”
“I want to die” and they be like “It’s upsetting me, stop”

Lol.
So in the end you just have to say sorry
Apologize for trying to be real with your feelings
Apologize for not being considerate enough to think about them

Fucking crabs

Hello

Im going to kill myself tonight. Currently, its almost 4 pm. When everyone is asleep tonight, I plan on grabbing Tylenol and overdosing. Hopefully nobody will be awake to take me to the hospital. Im scared of the outcome. Im not anxious, im not afraid of what Ill see/what’ll happen to me. Im scared of what my friends and family will do. Im scared my ex will just laugh it off. Im scared that i wont be able to see the love of my life’s face.. will he continue dating his new girlfriend? am i doing this just to get him back? do i really want to […]

I hate my mother for leaving me. i got molested when i was a kid because of her.

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An open letter. 

I miss you. 

I know you probably won’t see this. I know we’re over. I know there’s no more pieces left for me to pick up. I never got to say these words but here I’am now.

This is for you. This is for the unsaid feelings that I’ve left behind along with the memory of you.

You don’t deserve someone who breaks your heart every now and then. I could’ve been better. We could’ve been more. We could’ve. But we chose not to. I’ve had my reasons and you’ve had yours. I’m sorry. For the times that things were […]

half of me fights with everything it has to destroy me. it drinks. and does drugs. it lets my disorders eat me alive.

half of me fights with everything it has to get better. to stop drinking. to stop smoking up. to heal my disorders.

i wonder who will win in the end

..cause to be a “winner” implies causing another to become a “loser”. I don’t want to create any losers. It’s a hard piece of real estate to take up in this world.

im hanging out with my cousin tomorrow. this is the first time ive ever hung out with him. i was too young before and then we stopped talking for a while. im going to be trying shatter for the first time. not only that but he sent me a couple messages im not sure what to think about. hes not actually my cousin. we were both married into the family through our mothers but still. im a little bit worried about going tomorrow. being alone. my husband having no idea what im doing. what if my gut is right and its a bad idea. i […]

so much has changed, yet so much has not changed. i thought i had made strides in life, setting goals and finally trying to move forward and embrace a future where i live, but i was wrong. i am still so weak and in so much pain, even with the professional help i’ve obtained. i still wish to die. i do not think i will ever be good enough to exist in this world. i certainly will never be able to stand on my own two feet. i am still a colossal disappointment to my loved ones. i am a burden and a waste of […]