I have been fading, dissociating more, feeling more like I’m dying inside… Haven’t really been doing anything but sitting in bed all day, and wanting to just sleep all day. When I do get out of bed to do anything I dissociate so much, like every 5 minutes. I’m crying all day, trying to draw to keep myself distracted but it doesn’t work. I have lost interest in everything that I used to love doing, and I know its because my depression is getting worse. I’m not letting my friends help me because I feel like too much of a burden to go to them […]

And I feel worse.

Not sure what it is.  My talk with the Admission coordinator gave me a good idea what the place is supposed to be like.    I was wary it would be an drug and alcohol rehab facility and was assured that it was not.   She was honest and said they handle dual diagnosis however.  The plan would be two visits with a therapist each week and two visits with a Psychiatrist each week to monitor meds.   I would not be able to see my own therapist but they would share notes with her when I left.   They would also help me with […]

If I ever fix the shithole I’m in, I’m gonna be one hell of a genius.

It’s interesting the difference between time and recorded time.  Does anything have meaning once people stop recording it?

No one has recorded my life.  I will be forgotten even quicker than I arrived.  If I died right now, no one would even notice.  I’ve always wondered how long it would take someone to find me after I die.

The unexamined life is not worth living.  Certainly that applies to me.  My life is not worth living.  I suppose I do have a therapist that examines my life so to speak, she is at least aware of my existence and my thoughts.  I imagine she would notice if […]

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? People around us don’t understand and don’t care to. It’s too uncomfortable for them to ask the hard questions to try and understand why we see the world the way we do. They all just want us to be normal and function.  I honestly think this is gaslighting. Some may disagree. No one ever acknowledges how we feel. No one listens. No one tries.

We are wrong. They are right.

We are misguided. They are keepers of truth.

We are “speaking through our illness.” They are our saviors.

I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, and I know all the signs. Abusers […]

It’s been maybe one year and 6 months since the last time I functioned normally. I cut myself on the wrist for the first time yesterday, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to watch the blood flow but my dad saw that I was bleeding and got mad at me. I’m not allowed to use a razor anymore. It makes me angry. Cutting myself isn’t something I do because I want to die, it’s something I do to stop myself from dying. Sure, I cut a really shallow wound right on top of a bunch of blood vessels that are right below my skin. […]

what if he finds me?  what if he hunts me down again?  what if he’s still watching me?

i can’t shake the feeling.  i haven’t been able to ever since the abuse started.

i can still feel it.  on the back of my neck.  i never feel safe.  he continues to have a suffocating grip on me even after i mustered up the courage to get as far away from him as possible.  listen to the fbi.  lock everything down.  deactivate all my social media accounts, lock my phone number, get my school e-mail changed.

but he’s still here.  he’s left an impression of himself, it’s seared into […]

Its been a while since I last posted. I visit the site once or twice a week lately, but don’t stay very long…unsure why. Many of you have shown concern for me…I am surprised by this, I would’ve never guessed people would do this. I don’t see myself as the type others would think about. Anyhow. Thank you for this, it makes me feel…human? Better? Alive? Please know I’m grateful,  Idfk Anymore.

A lot has happened since my last post March 28th. I wrote that post as I was sitting in the emergency room, having been remanded into custody by a counselor I’d been seeing weekly […]

I’m too broke to afford a gun so here I am. I’ve lost my well paying job working on the pipeline and there’s no work to be had in my field, my girlfriend has left me because I can’t take care of her with no job I’ve lost my house my car is next down the line every 4-8 years I get a glimmer of hope that I’ll have a well paying job again and it’s unceremoniously ripped from underneath me by some politician that got rich in office over 30 years. There, that should give you the ammo you need. I’m calling […]

This petty pace, how slowly life seems to go when you have nothing to look forward to.

My best days are simply days when I don’t want to kill myself… but are they?  At least on the other days I feel something.  Maybe that is something to look forward to.  When time finally stops and the pain is gone forever.

I’ve wasted my life and that’s okay, I did the best I could have done and it’s all I can ask of myself.  I think I’ve made the most of what I was born with.

My therapist says that just surviving is a win but I am not […]

Figure I should be the one to ask, I feel people disregard me around here anyway so I’m not afraid to break the silence. I’m sure we’ve all noticed he’s gone, what happened? Just a shout out @Once

Hello.

I never thought I would find myself here, yet here I am. I’ve been struggling on and off with suicide since I was 12 or so. I am 38 now.

I’m at a low point and I don’t know what to do. I have no friends and no family and frankly don’t see a purpose in continuing to try.

I have tried just about every permutation and combination of treatments. Yet I can’t find a way to even like myself let alone find a way to feel happy.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…

I’m kind of tired. I don’t want to do anything. I have two tests and one presentation left and that’s the semester. Even though I only have two things left, I don’t really care about any of it. I just feel like coasting. I’ve always coasted, so why should now be any different. I just ain’t feeling it. Any of it really. It’s all just a pain to deal with. I kind of just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about any of it. I often think about what’s supposed to […]

I’m falling apart, and I don’t know who to turn to or where to go. I feel like I’m drowning.
Trying to stay afloat, but no matter how much I try I just sink deeper and deeper.
Struggling to hold my breath any longer, struggling to catch air.
I’m failing everyone I love and care about, and they all think they’re doing something wrong, when It’s really just me.. Sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean of blackness.
I can’t fix myself and nobody else can fix me, I’m downing. And I don’t know how to breathe anymore. I want help, but I won’t ask […]