I’m getting closer, I can feel it. Eventually all my proverbial parachutes are deployed, all my favors cashed and all legitimate debts paid. I want to quit; the whole dang thing. I don’t want a boss, or a mortgage, or crushing debt that I might pay off if I am very hard working and lucky. This life I’m living, is a waste of good time.

I want to move to the country and teach. I think I’d teach high schoolers rhetoric or something like that.  I wouldn’t ask for much money, enough for me to eat is plenty. I’d go in three days a week and […]

Ever since I was young I’ve always feared death, I remember around six years old while on a camping trip I told my father about my fear of death, his advice was “don’t worry you won’t die until you’re older”, I just turned 41 a few days ago 1/25.  I try to distract myself, I have a lot of hobbies, but the fear never leaves and I always think I have some kind of illness.

I swallowed a rubber band today.

Not just a rubber band, but also representing my give up.

That pink band went strait down my throat, and my mind secretly wished for an erection.

Then after the ugly pink band, I washed it down with bit of kool-aid that had the same color as blood.

Now this band is inside me, and I can feel the pain of it flowing in my stomach.

Im not sure if I should tell. That its pure pain.

But all I know now, is that the pain I swallowed was already inside me from day one.

*i rlly did swallow a rubber band tho ;-;*

Hey guys. Honestly, I’m not my best. I’ve been trying to get on this website for some time, but, of course, it kept mistaking me for a robot. That made me angry. Me, a robot, to talk about feelings?
Anyway, tonight I realized my D in math. I told my parents and they nagged me and nagged me to fix my grade. As if I don’t struggle enough already. A twelve year old with severe depression and anxiety. And possibly a sociopath.
See, when I was young, my dad’s dad was sexually abusive.
My older sister told my parents (we were both very young) and […]

i decided to just end my life this upcoming sunday. i mean why should i hold on and keep moving forward when i don’t even want to? i’m extremely drained. these voices and thoughts in my head have been getting louder. i don’t want to be here. since i was young i always wanted to die on my 18th birthday. my birthday was 2 months ago and i’m still here. why? this is truly pathetic. what the fuck am i still doing here. have i been holding onto false hope? doesn’t even matter anymore. i’m so lost and confused. i don’t know what to think. […]

Life is so messed up… Why do we / I have to be here. Why…… Can someone just give me ONE good reason that we are forced to be here.
Can someone just let me know if I leave here will it all be over? Or will I just come back or will the next place be any better?
Is there a next place?
I kind of hope not. To just vanish and just not be anymore, would be peaceful. If there is something after this world will it be worse?
These are the thoughts going through my head when I am wanting to finally […]

Not suicide related

What is complicated algebra doing in a pre test for maths and English in the course I’m about to do?
Unless the course itself contains this algebra, what is it DOING HERE?
I can’t even figure out how to do it.
I hate this shit.
This better not be in my actual course or I’m going to fail for sure.
Going by the subject matter and the name of my course I don’t see where the complicated algebra will be.
Do people even use this in their daily life? (Unless their job requires this).

I can do most other things in maths but not […]

?

My life has been a living hell since my mother died in my arms during our camping trip this past august. Then december hit and another bombshell hit me. My father sexually assaulted my son while i was either at work or sleeping when i got home from work. Been stuck in limbo with court. As well as finding a place for me and my kids to live. I wasnt financially prepared for this move. Both sides of the family turned their backs on me and my kids because of what my father did. My friends have deserted me because they wanna live happy drama […]

First, I’m just going to take a moment to complain about the fairness of life, my spouse has been having chest pains again, and refuses to go to the doctor. I’m the one that’s suicidal and he’s killing himself. It’s frustrating.

Second thing, I watched the episode of Family Guy where Bryan gets addicted to the runners high. I have no endurance for running but I’ve always wanted to run, especially cross country stuff. I can walk all day long without wearing out but I can’t even run for 5 minutes. Lol. So anyways, I started Googling this and it takes usually 50-60 minutes to […]

im not talking in general angsty ‘nothing matters’ terms but literally. All these efforts and struggles, therapy, nutrition, meditation, even “happiness”… do you ever wonder if it’s all irrelevant if your clock is ticking? and when your time is up, it doesnt matter if you’re happy famous successful or in love, something will trigger you like a random hurtful word and the next thing you know youve killed yourself

local kid just killed himself. good looking, smart, popular, football star, probably had scholarship offers out the ass, then wham he just killed himself. Lots of stories like that. people kill themselves every day and nobody knows […]

Hi all. Anyone here who remembers me? Used to come here alot back in the day. That in the title used to be my username but I don´t like it anymore. I still am quite pathetic but calling yourself pathetic is REALLY pathetic. That means that every time you call yourself pathetic you are actually right. Think about that. But its a cyclic definition, a definition that defines itself, which by logic is wrong. I think depression in general is a lot like that. A cycle, loophole logic error in the brain that creates itself and justifies itself. That is why I think it´s hard […]

honestly i want to focus on myself and focus on my mental health so i just dropped all my friends one by one in the kindest way possible. i dont know if this was a good decision or not since i mean alot to some of them but honestly sometimes i hate them and sometimes i dont. they do shitty things and make me want to not talk to them but unless i actually ghost them i cant hold a grunge and completely stop talking to them. most of them didnt care anyways so its fine but idk if i did the right thing

everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.

i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.

i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.

i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i […]

Interesting to me how anticipation and fear are essentially the same emotion; terror. Notably artist Andy Warhol of Campbell’s  Tomato Soup painting fame was considered a “holy terror” by his contemporaries. He outraged, everybody was on pins and needles to see what he might do next.

I digress because even writing about this hurts. For two weeks I have known about what is coming in the morning, a scant eleven hours from when I write this; someone important is coming into town; my four up boss. Explaining – I have a supervisor, who gets the final word about what I do. Her supervisor directs the entire […]

Where’s everyone gone? Anyone know of other sites like this one?

i knew it was coming
i felt the urge to cut again
and i tried so hard to keep it in
to distract myself
but i couldn’t
and as i sit here with blood gushing out my leg
i feel like im where i belong
that this is what i deserve
what they all want from me
are you happy now?

Living:

– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone

Dying:

– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– […]

Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.

Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.

Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]