So I’m 21 and though an adult, still live with my parents. I’m on the autistic spectrum and was also diagnosed with mild psychosis by a psychiatrist. For many months, I was put on the anti-psyhotic Abilify because it help me manage me suicidal symptoms and I was able to interact with people normally when volunteering at a shop this summer. When I ran out and tried to get it refilled, my dad saw the script on the table, asked for any pills I had  and demanded I throw them away as he said he didn’t believe in medication for mental issues.

He doesn’t understand that […]

I first thought about suicide seriously in 2015 and had a failed attempt. I was glad in the moment it didn’t work but looking at all that has transpired since then, I think it was false hope. I don’t think there’s ever been a day I haven’t considered suicide. A few fleeting moments of pleasure, the rest bad moments.

Though they call it the “easy way out”, I can’t help but feel it’s terrifying to actually choose death. No matter how shit my life is, I can’t be sure that pulling the plug will end it or take me to another realm of existence that is […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Why am I so angry? i inhaled a shit ton of incense smoke because i read that the fumes can make you feel high. i want vodka, but we’re out. i cut myself today & wow that was invigorating. i havent cut in quite a while actually. i dont wanna talk, i dont wanna live, i dont want to feel shit anymore. i wanna make myself bleed; i wanna tear myself apart. does anyone ever feel like that? my therapist said i should vent my feelings in writing so here i go! my music is so loud my ears are ringing haha and i see […]

When we are ready to die we are free.
Everyday I’m fighting some nasty feelings in my chest.

I never loved anyone the way I loved you

I wish you’d come back

I deserve to die

Useless

Realisation: I have a sick mind, the rest of my body works fine but it’s my mind that’s sick. This is a strangely liberating thing to find out. That’s all it is…a sick mind. Like my mind is physically sick but everything else works fine. I’ve beat myself constantly since I remember but not having a healthy mind but accepting it’s sick has helped me. I feel I’ve stopped teaching for answers. This whole time I beat myself up, my goodness, how long have I beat myself up for…This whole time…wow. I know the minds important but the rest of the body is just as […]

I’m so insanely fucking lonely. And desperate. It’s utterly pathetic. I’ve never not been alone, since I was a kid. I’m too far gone at this point…too isolated and weird. Like I froze my social development at an infant level, but then added all this fucked up stuff on top. I don’t think I’m even capable of being with anyone now. I have no idea how to interact with people in a natural or spontaneous way. I can’t ever relax around others. I hate myself when I’m talking to people. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I hate myself basically. And […]

i can’t remember the last time i was truly happy

what a fun weekend night. ugh.
i dont get it. i cant seem to win.
dont do weed. dont drink. dont cut. dont smoke. oh and the biggest one, dont die.
so is there anything i can do because living doesnt seem to be my specialty.

im not caring about anything anymore. cause if i start caring about things and try to fix it, its only going to delay my inevitable suicide. so i just have to face the fact that things are not going to get better and im destined to kill myself.

the moment my work lets me go (cause they are already releasing people) im going to end it. i have all of the things i need, i just need to do it 🙂

I hate life. All I do is wait to die, which I hope happens soon…. I at least got a hobby but me being me it’s not fun nor enjoyable, so I scream at myself constantly about failure related to it…. That’s about as much as I can ever enjoy anything. It has led to me getting so many more sharp things though, and I haven’t cut yet, so I guess that’s good…. I wish I didn’t suck though.

why do we struggle everyday.  why do we pretend to be happy when we are not.  why do we do things we don’t like . I am closing in on my 30 birthday and I realize never in my life I have been happy for more than few months at once.I know a lot of my friends who look happy and might be secretly posting here . The pain people hide is seriously admirable and all that just because of the society , we all are going  to die one day so why not that day be Tomorrow. you go to sleep tonight and don’t […]

I ain’t looking for pity, I fucking know I don’t deserve it. Life is fucking good for me right now. I got a roof over my head, I got food to eat, I got friends and family, I’m doing well in classes, and I just got a great fucking job at one of my favorite places in the area, so why the fuck do I feel like this……

Hey, I will change some things just to make sure I don’t reveal my true identity. It’s not that I’m famous or anything; I’m just a boring kid with a boring life.

So, I’ll make it fast. My english isn’t very good anyway. I like using bullet points.

Im 21 and never had a boyfriend
I’m gay
I used to be fat.  I lost weight and know my whole body is full of stretch marks and loose skin
I got acne at the age of 20. Im on accutane (over 9 months) now and it only gets worse
I have a shitty self-confidence
I used to live in a different country, I […]

I have too much on my fucking mind and here is me unloading it all. After all, my brother always said, “Humans were not made to just bottle things up.” So here is to your advice, Rud.

First, I heard through a friend that an old friend from my senior year of high school had passed away. It kind of hurt to hear the sad news as he was always a positive person and he was so young. Only as old as me, 21. I remember him reaching out to me about a year ago. I wish I knew then what I knew now, else I […]

Who am I?

currently in the bathroom, holding the razor in my hand trying not to cut, i’m eighty-something days clean and i can’t do it anymore. i’m not who i am anymore, i don’t even know myself anymore. it hurs, it really does, the pain i cause myself is more painful than the pain this razor causes. i’m. a. monster. and i can’t help but think of it every single day, think of how much i’ve changed and how much everyone i know hates it, hates ME, hates who i became. i want the old me back, please. i’ll do anything, but please don’t let […]

It seems to be what everyone wants anyway. Pharmasists refuses to be helpful i asked a simple guestion “is this in stock?” It was a simple over the counter depression aid (i dont remember exactly what it was) and she goes into a million and one questions that dont concern her and it agrivated me to the point i said fuck it and just walked away. Im getting death threats and my therapist seems to lack caring. “Im highly likely to commit suicide if my grandfather dies” “ok” ummm isnt your job to help me cope with shit like that? Thats why i told you […]

I dont need to forgive.. It would be just enough to just be able to forget… Forget everything and start from scratch. I want to forget how lazy I was all my life. I was so lazy I just let all my weed plants die and now I will have nothing to smoke this year. Maybe its a good thing. But Im addicted and  I will buy it anyway. So my laziness will only cost me a lot of money. A ton of money just coz it was too much work to water a fking plant once a day. Id love to forget that.

But mainly […]