General

But at the drop of the curtain, it’ll end in general disapproval. I accept the blame tho. I consistently disappointed people who put hopes in me. Let everyone down from teenage upwards. Worst thing is, I couldn’t do justice to the love and affection of good, honest folk and in my self-loathing, been pushing them away too. It pains not so much that I’ve failed in the game of life as it pains to realise that I’ve failed well-meaning fellow beings who deserved better.

If I could foresee the course of my life and had a choice, I’d gladly choose either not being brought to life […]

I told a girl how I felt about her recently. She just said we were friends. I probably should have seen that coming. I’m not quite sure why I thought it would be anything other than that. I’m not sure why I’m writing this down. She knows that I’m on here. I doubt she ever comes around here anymore. I’ve said too many weird things. Sometimes I regret telling her. I’m not sure why I did it in the first place. It was impulsive telling her about this place. I just did it like […]

life is a battle no one defeats. every waking moment is torture for people like you and me, sleep is the only escape. unless your demons have a starring role in them too

no one cares enough to learn who you are past those demons so really, what’s the fucking point?

Is a few days too early to resent an employer? Not for me, apparently. I’ve never reached the point that I need to set my boundaries with an employer up front, and if they can’t respect that they can go to hell. The new gig wants me to be clean of THC, something I very much could have and would have done if they had asked nicely, instead they sprung it on me when it was far too late to get clean enough for a drug test. So I went immediately out and took that drug test, if this practice is more important than employee […]

Since deciding my date, marking it in my diary, things have got easier. I guess I finally don’t care anymore. Giving things away, taking stuff to charity, not bothering to top things like more toothpaste or another bottle of ketchup because I won’t need it for much longer.

Seeing people before Christmas has also got easier to because I guess I know that when we say goodbye it actually is goodbye and I’ve got to say it but they don’t have to know what I really mean by it and they can go away content.

Life: what was that about being rejected??

Because the problems i do have apparently isnt problematic enough.
The damn government wants to make the min $26/hr. I cant afford that!! If this goes through i wont even get the chance to open.
Its been the one thing ive held on to. Its the one “big” thing i want out of life. And its gone before i had a chance. I even already have the open sign…

I have my cats, my grandfather and my brothers now. I talk to 1 brother maybe once every few months because of my stupid parents. I barely talk to my grandfather. […]

When I was young I always took for granted how nice it was to not be in pain. I’m not talking about severe pain, but the near-constant low level discomfort I have now. I would give so much to go back to that now. There’s always something that hurts. If it’s not my teeth it’s my back, or my stomach, or my head. So much of my life now is just feeling physically shitty. It’s not worth it. I want a refund.

This passed summer I tried to use dating apps for the first time and I thought I had met someone who was perfect. Turns out they were probably just a scammer. Today I finally let the person have it after they tried texting their way back into my life. All these raw feelings came out and it wasn’t like I was able to finally let go of the fake contrived feelings I had been holding on too.

Before all of this I had felt the most suicidal I’d have ever felt and I was getting closer and closer to hurting myself. That’s when I […]

How do I explain without making it obvious.

I know you. Yes. You.

You brought me back to this site sometime last month. You are struggling, I listened.

I left for quite awhile, stuck in my own self destructive tendencies.

Attempted again.

I thought of you. I thought of how much you are struggling too, about how you ranted and raved every single day and I tried my best to help.

I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I guess I’ve been unable to contact anyone for weeks anyways.

I hope to see you soon, stay strong, keep going..

You got this

Every year I find a new way to go insane

i know exactly what normal people think about me

i know exactly what they’re thinking

why can’t they do the reverse?

speaking in lines and getting responded in cubes

How ive never spoke of a word

Far far away. I’ve already floated into?

floated into?

into?

why can’t they do the reverse? I thought everyone felt the same, I thought everyone went through this, I thought they knew but were denying it. But it’s way worse!

where am I?

The circular opening and the light that shines beneath has given me something else. Who knows what this is called? Don’t you classify everything and list the […]

Yesterday it was just nonspecific anxiety, I wasn’t sure what cost the new job and my financial situation would cost…. now I know. I have to give up THC, which was helping in some quite useful ways; allowing me to sleep and eat relatively normally. The new job said I had to stop, they didn’t put it in any of the stuff we talked about leading up to today, and having my medical card, I guess I thought I’d be allowed to keep it.

I’m in a pretty dark place, not sure when I’ll be able to eat or sleep again. I’m strangely having to cycle […]

I have done some really shitty things in my life. Mostly all under the influence of alcohol. I know that if I just never drink then I will not have these issues, but I have also had fun times too. I have sought help in the past, but it has never done anything. This last time, my therapist recommendation was for me to listen to TedTalks. It seems I am in the spiral. I will get better, then I will go out and embaress the F out of myself because I was so wasted. I am a habitual binge drinker. I drink once a month […]

a mixture of rain and snow my entire shift. I was drenched and my legs felt like stumps because my feet were numb. When I got inside, my hands burned. I don’t think the company I work for cares about my well-being or safety. I fear we’ll have the same weather tomorrow. I don’t know if I can take it. I live alone above a guy who

Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.

Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, […]

Y’all may know me from way back, depressed and suicidal. I have been dating this very sad and distressed boy, he recently jumped infront of a car and was killed instantly. It happened so fast, he was dead before the ambulance arrived, I was blocks away. I was gonna pick him up bc he was walking home drunk. He told me he was depressed that he wanted to kill him self. I told him I’ll call off work, and he said, “no don’t chill my friends coming”. I still tried to pick him up but he wasn’t where he said he was. 20 mins later […]

what’s the point?  it’s like a ball and chain is tied to my chest and it’s trying to drag me into an early grave. i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and all my trauma hit me like a ton of bricks. i drowned out what she was saying but one bit has been replaying in my mind, “it’ll take at least two years to get through it…” is that true? i pushed everything he did so far into the back of my mind and it got ripped out and put on a silver platter right in front of my face. two years. at least. two […]

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I […]