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found out that i have did
anyone here who also have multiple personality disorder?
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General
(technically day 11 because of yesterday but whatever im just counting days)
although im wondering whats the point. i already fucked up. i dont want to stop drinking and smoking up. but he will never be happy for as long as im doing it. i still think he would be better off without me. why cant he see that. why cant he just go away and forget about me.
repetitive conversation at this point. forget it. i know the answer. and i cant convince him. ive even tried to make him hate me and it wont work. of course making him hate me without upsetting him is […]
I’m so tired. So tired of staying strong and taking life one day at a time. It’s a constant battle every waking moment. I don’t even necessarily feel suicidal. But I’m so fucking exhausted death sounds like a sweet relief. No more battling my emotions and trying to better my mental health. No more “little wins”. I just need to rest. Can life just give me a break for once?
Hello, I see that this is a site where people share how sad they are and there are some helpful people out there. I hope I can get some nice feedback from others. I want to start off by saying that I am 21 years old. My grandma had passed away and it took a big toll on me. My family too of course, but for me I wanted to die. Ive attempted to kill myself and this sweet genuine old lady passed away and in my eyes it wasn’t her time to go. It honestly should’ve been me. Recently I’ve been kicked out of […]
I mentioned before that I sometimes like to look through old posts I make here. I reminds me of the mindset I was in at the time. The loneliness and sadness I felt at the time. It hurts to read, but it’s also somewhat soothing. Like visiting an old friend. Whenever there are periods when she stops talking to me and even when she isn’t in those periods, I also like to do the same with our old discord messages and texts. I look back at them and I can’t help but feel insanely happy. How we used […]
i’m exhausted. my body is on autopilot at this point. i wonder if i still have a soul.
i thought i was doing better; starting college last year, meeting people, experiencing rebellion and romance and the independence to be who i want to be – all for the first time. i’ll leave the childhood afflictions for some other time, but for now we’ll say i grew up sheltered. and then suddenly, i was free.
i guess not. i know well how lucky i am, to live where and how i do. but it feels like covid-19 was devised by my own personal demon. that’s such a self-absorbed […]
Sort of…
YES! I LIT IT OK!?
1) its only half gone
2) im getting back on the sober train right now. It was just to take the edge off. I mean the inportant thing is i dont go back to being high 24/7 right. And i havent touched any alcohol. So its not that bad right?
No i havent told him yet. But i told him i rolled it. His response was….well….”you should unroll it” dude….it doesnt work that way. But it was cute. What i didnt tell him was if i wanted to i could have cut it open and put the weed back […]
Today was my next planned death date, exactly 14 years since my first attempt to kill myself. Now that it’s here it seems like I might be able to get through it, I woke up feeling decent, better than I felt yesterday anyways. This is why I always set the date a few days out; I know my emotions are unstable and while I seem to always want to die, I only have the burning desire to kill myself every few days.
I regret two things about my first attempt: trying to say goodbye to my friends, and not succeeding. Even during the good times […]
I laid here for an hour wishing you would notice. I was over here digging my nails into my arm. When I grabbed your hand you just asked me “why?” There is no why behind it. It just happens. I can’t stop it. It just goes. You try to make me feel better. But I know you don’t care. You gave yourself to me to make me feel better but then left immediately once it was done. Now I’m just laying here trying not to cry. I feel so alone. The one person I trust, I can’t even open up to you. It’s nearly impossible […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I want to thank this website where I could write my last words and the thoughts that I couldn’t share with anyone else. But now the water has gone above my head, I’m drowning and my head hurts. After a long time, I’m able to make a decision without the interruption of the constant conflict that was running in my head. And I did try everything I could… I told my brother, my best friend, this website and the helpline guy (and they must’ve tried to bring me back) but I think the toxicity inside of me was just too much for anyone to erase […]
Lately I’ve only been concerned about two problems. My meaning and the fear of being useless and this whole situation with being ghosted. It’s kinda frustrating to be only concerned with two things day in and day out. The first problem is very broad and kind of vague, but it is something that occupies my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Every step of the way, I feel like this useless nothing and that nothing I do has any meaning. It’s kind of tiring really. The problem I think I have […]
ill be honest….i cant see me making it through the day. i think i can leave the alcohol alone for now. but a joint seems inviting.
i rolled it. just dont smoke it right? i want to forget reality though. but hes proud of me. i dont want to ruin that.
he is happy that i made it past my last record of a week. and i did tell him no matter what id be sober the day of his bday. yeah i had to tell him…i knew it was a matter of time before i messed up and i didnt what to have to tell […]
So… Anyone else here think that so called i n c e l s aren’t wrong?
I’m handsome. I don’t need to worry about shit like that. But the sheerly arbitrary nature of life/existence has always stuck with me. You know how it all goes. People ignore people who are too mentally ill or ugly for society. And for what? To chase the goal of pointless procreation.
Technically speaking, to someone in such harsh circumstances, every normal life lived could be viewed as an affront, their lives stand as a testament to refuse to acknowledge the arbitrary nature of reality…
I’m detached from reality. Whenever I get high […]
They say the white light is something you see before death, before entering heaven. I don’t think that because if that where true then why have I seen this bright light 100 times before in my life. Every-time I say I’m not hungry, I’m just really cold, I’m tired. My head hurts with nothing to do but let my thoughts roam free. Being locked up in the same house not being able to see the people who make me the happiest. Life isn’t a trap the way you look at it is. I wonder why after all I’ve done, all the pain I’ve caused myself […]
I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me […]
So interesting thought here ive struggled with suicide/ depression over half of my life. I finally found some help that actually worked(anyone wants to know just ask). So after that, i got thrown back into the same situation before i got help and my depression was at its worst. Most people i think tend to either fight that darkness or don’t know how to embrace it without the crippling self pity. After I had my emotions played with last time, think i have found my balance of embracing the darkness and pain without the need for self harm. I fully accept it and am coming […]
I think there was never a point in which it was equal. The feeling between us. I think she wanted to care about me, but when it came down to it, I was just a stranger. I don’t blame her nor am I upset or sad. I think she meant it when she said that my support meant a lot to her. That my concern helped her. I do believe that. But when it came to me as a person, it must have been strange. This odd boy from years ago. This faceless blank voice. I […]
We are steph,
Your heart will be adapted to ours.
Emotions are irrelevant,
Your Love is Futile.