This posting is probably a first, as I am writing it from my room in the mental health section of the community hospital.       I checked myself in 3 days ago.   At that time I was actively putting the pieces of my plan to disappear into action.   I say disappear as all I want to do is to disappear from this world, the disappointments, the disappointments of others, the disappointments that I caused, and the fear of loneliness that I can no longer control.

I had mad a promise to my wife (who has recently informed me she is leaving) that If I found myself […]

just that one word, “aside”, makes me shudder, for what is ever really just put aside?–and you’ll carry on, eat, drink, be merry and most of all you’ll sleep well.

Then again there’s a good chance you won’t. This much I’m certain of: it doesn’t happen immediately.  You’ll finish and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won’t matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you’ll suddenly realize things are not how you perceive them […]

I wrote this a few months ago to give to my ex wife. I spent years trying to keep her from killing herself because she is bipolar and had a bad childhood. Now she wonders about me although we split up a week ago again. We were almost partners a few times 20 years ago but we just became junkies instead lol. Good times…

How did I get here

Why can’t I heal

All thats left is pain

That I wish I didn’t feel

Where do I go

what will I find

who am I leaving

The love left behind

Everything is wrong

I can never get it right

The demands are overwhelming

Its time to say […]

As the title says, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And while I’m not ready, I do think about it and I have a note written. I also have a plan, along with the motivation. I’m just not yet ready. But in all of my thoughts about it, one thing remains consistent: I’m going to do it after college. In all of my thoughts, that’s the one thing that is always the same.

Yesterday I learned how difficult the next few weeks were going to be. Next next week I have three final projects due and an exam. The following week I have 3 exams and 1 final project due. And of course in between now and then I have smaller regular assignments due. It’s typical, but that’s just it. I just have to keep chipping away at it, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And then the joke was set up. I was emailed about a co-op opportunity from one of the many companies I applied to and got […]

I’m tired. I’m really tired. Not just physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m tired if being the way I am, actually no I’m tired of not being the way I am. I mean if I take a look at myself. From like. A reasonable perspective. Right now, I rarely leave my bed. I usually fall asleep at 2 or 3 in the morning, wake up at 5, and then I don’t get out of bed until early afternoon. Do I have a reason to? I should have a reason to. I should have a reason to not be in my bed, wasting my time away, staring […]

I’ve been feeling “better” the last little while, at least my mind has quieted with the suicidal thoughts, the cutting has dropped off immensely, and summer is peeking its head out; I love the sunshine.
it’s far from perfect, I do get frustrated still with minor things that I should just fix but, ironically, despite feeling “better” mentally I can’t bring myself to do anything, I think I actually do better when I’m in anguish in that regard. Shower? Not today. Laundry? Nope, big nope. Cook? Never.
On a positive note, I did my taxes! lol. April 15th was always the deadline, I couldn’t procrastinate […]

a phrase I would often say to myself

I wonder when I stopped caring about myself. When I started thinking that I’m useless. Beyond repair. Helpless. Someone that no one could ever genuinely enjoy spending time with. I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged anywhere. I’ve never had any real dreams. I’ve never really wanted to accomplish anything. The very few people that I ever care about always end up leaving me. And I’m not sure if it even hurts. My heart hurts, but I feel indifferent. I feel completely detached from myself. Like the things I feel are feelings from another person. I want to cry, but I can’t. […]

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I was always able to talk myself out of it. I never really made an actual plan. I always kind of dreamed about way’s I’d do it, but they were always violent and I knew I wouldn’t go through with it.

This is dumb but I actually joined the army hoping I’d get the opportunity to do it without my family knowing it was suicide.

I made a mistake while I was in and I think it’s about to bite me in the ass. I would lose everything. I don’t think I’d be able to look myself in […]

“I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter” -my shirt

Misanthropy is the general hatred, dislike, distrust or contempt of the human species, human behavior or human nature. A misanthrope or misanthropist is someone who holds such views or feelings.

You might think I’m a misanthropist, and by definition you might be right. (or there might be another word that fits it better, I don’t know them all) I mean, id love to watch them all burn. However, that labeling is EXACTLY why I feel the way I do. Before you call me or think whatever, I want you to take a minute to think. […]

I hurt her a lot more than she hurt me. I know that. It makes me feel guilty, and pretending she’s dead makes me feel even more guilty, but at least I don’t hope she’ll come back if I do.

I keep asking myself, when is it my turn? I work so hard and love so much but everyone else seems to be reaping the benefits.

Last week someone that I thought was one of my closest friends called me and kicked me out of a living situation we had planned with our other close friend for our second year of college. I had always known that they were closer with each other than they were with me, but I never knew that he barely tolerated me for months on end before telling me this.

Although he tried to let me down easy, that conversation confirmed a […]

I came up for air for a bit today. That is to say I sobered up for the first time in a few days. As sober as I get anymore, which I suspect is still in the refractory period for the intoxicants I use. I lasted about six hours…. found enough to do that I felt relatively productive to the point I didn’t have to run from the void.

Now I’m running again, and plan to run for a bit longer yet. I want to know what the pitch is for someone at my stage to sober up; oh no, throwing your life away? What life? […]

I feel like Im in a prison and I can’t get out. Im broken and just want to disappear but I can’t even find the strength to do that right now. I have to get away from my ex ASAP or she will eventually come over here and who knows what phase her bipolar will be. It could be good, bad or ugly. Right now good would be the worst because she would be able to control and manipulate me into giving her yet another chance to hurt me. Bad would be her screaming and yelling at me and ugly would be her smashing my […]

I don’t get it. I’m trying my hardest but it gets worse every day. I push myself to my limits every single day. But. I. Can’t. Not anymore. Why didn’t I just do it that day? For the girlfriend that I refused to talk to for 5 days after and then lashed out at, forcing her to leave me because I was angry at myself for not commiting suicide? I should have done it. I don’t get why I didn’t. Now I’m even worse. I’ve been lying on the floor for about 20 minutes but I managed to crawl into my bed. I don’t really […]

I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.

Cancelled my therapist appointment and now I’m getting drunk.

Lifes BS (I need to put that on a shirt lol)

(looking at footbath) well…. God knows how long we’re gonna be here and after the time I’ve been having I deserve it so fuck it. I’m treating myself to a spa day….. If I can figure out how this work XD.

31 years old and I feel like dying
I feel old

I still have no idea what her name was. She never told me her name. I never told her my name. How did I enter a month long relationship and I didn’t even think of asking her what her name was or telling her my name a single time? It doesn’t seem like something normal to me. I’ve never heard of any relationship like that.