My insomnia kicked in mid sleep. How the heck does that manage to happen?! My brain must be battling with some procrastination or somethin. Like eh lets wait til she gets up to use the bathroom at 3am and then hit her with the wide awake. Wish i had a hot cup of coffee. 1 thing i hate about living in shelters or cheap hotels, never any fkn coffee!!! Went from a full pot of bold coffee every morning to zero. The small things in life is what i really miss. Like my coffee n vanilla creamer, butter, a toaster and a car lol it […]
“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”
you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?
you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”
but it was never the last […]
I feel like as I age everything I do (my interests, social interactions, studying) is just half assed and empty. The only emotions that feel real to me anymore are sadness and nostalgia for parts of my life that had any meaning. Whenever I study, I just feel stupid or doubtful of the interest I once had in the subject. University pales in comparison to the times I used to have in college. I can’t live like this, nothing I do has meaning and I worry that I’ll spend the rest of my life in this limbo of work, sadness and reminiscence. In all honesty, […]
I was trying to explain to a straight [non severely depressed] person how I feel today. Then I hit it;
the entire premise that most adults function on ; “Maybe someday it will get better.”
That’s just it though, if you fail that deception you end up depressed. The carrot on the stick is a better day later, and I’m at the point that the carrot has to be made of plastic, because that is how distant a better day is.
So, that’s it for me. It isn’t getting better. Everybody is dying the slow way, and all I want is to fast forward.
There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.
Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.
There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option. There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain. Either way. The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.
For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled […]
It’s wet outside in the desert this morning, the smell of washed rocks heavy in the moist air. The rest of the world still sleeps. The moonlight trying to shine through a thin blanket of dusty clouds.
These moments are the most peaceful, with my coffee in hand as I soak up the silence: Before the worlds machine turns on and destroys every ounce of tranquility there is to have.
I have attempted through various means several times over the past year. All were unsuccessful, obviously. So I fucking suck at living and I’m such a fuck up I can’t even kill myself correctly. SMMFH
Well. Glad I got that out. I feel much better.
Been a while since I’ve been here. Just haven’t felt like I’ve needed this place for a bit. But occasionally I just need to dump out the contents of my head. I’ve just been feeling real numb lately. Not sad or angry, just hollow. I’ve been keeping up with school work and I’ve actually been doing things at a reasonable pace. I’m still busy during the week, but I haven’t been overwhelmed by procrastinating on assignments. I’ve been trying to jog lately, but getting the motivation to do it is a pain. I was also doing full […]
Change my mind lmao
Short of a couple million dollars, I think I’m doomed to be depressed.
“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”
oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]
I dont think ill ever feel rested no matter how much i sleep. The constant need to always keep moving has always haunted me. I dont make myself at home because i never know how long we will be in that place. Our clothes always remain in suit cases or garbage bags or a basket. Because if we have to leave real quick atleast our stuff is in our bags already.
This is more of a fun post, not suicide or depression related.
My bucket list is not very long but this is a new thing I just added, and I think you all should too: Eat a sandwich with cutlery.
Definitely something everyone should experience at least once in their life.
“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
I really want to drink tonight. I am 24, alcoholic. I am a shipwreck. Don’t have alcohol. No means that will allows me a reasonable certainty not to wake up tomorrow. I have bad anxiety and ending up in a hospital which would be worse than everything. I don’t even know what I want. Just not having any of these thoughts I guess. The ones telling me what a worthless crazy piece of shit. Flashbacks hurt so much. Knowing that even how hard I try my mother will continue to grasp any power she has on me to make me feel guilt for being her […]
My dad who sexually assaulted my 6yrold son has taken everything from me n my kids. Hes made us homeless. He sold or trashed all of our belongings that were still in the house. He sold my jeep. His actions destroyed my son and he questions his self worth and thinks hes ugly n says he wants ti commit suicide. So hes in therapy. I heard through the grapevine that my father will not serve prison time for 1st deg sexual assault n incest, and that he will prob only get probation which is not the justice my 6yrold son needs. Also found out this […]
I envy some of the people who post here, in that they can spill out their hearts so easily…I am not that way, I am very reserved and am only capable of writing effectively when things are at their worst, when I am overcome with despair, sadness or great depression. I wonder why that is. Thoughts merge into words when I’m emotional, sad. I write here, and my words are carefully edited, to sound as coherent as possible. I can’t speak the way I write, for the most part. I tend to ramble and repeat things I already said, going off on tangents, censoring myself […]
It’s a strange feeling returning to this website again, after being absent for many months. This website offers me solace, in the darkest times.
It’s interesting, because I thought things finally got better and then I find myself in the darkness again. Upon reading my own old posts, it seems that it’s same position I was in ages ago. Except that it’s worse this time.
Cutting does not work as much anymore and the blade is boring. I thought about heating a blade up and using it, but instead opted for a serrated knife. I’ve been drinking almost every day now as well, some nice cheap wine […]