My past is full of horrible memories. I am mentally disabled and many people took advantage of that. Many people did absolutely horrible things to me, such as sexual abuse and bullying and got away with it. I wasn’t even aware what was being done to me. Now I am older and understand how things work, I just can’t let go of the things that happened to me. I deeply hate the people who did this to me. There is no way get back at them and that’s why I have cptsd. I am in deep emotional pain and stress.

This stress is fucking up […]

Here it is again. I mentioned it earlier, but here comes the freeze. The time of year where I give up on everything and don’t move a muscle. Around this time I neglect everything and lose all motivation to do anything. It always happens around the last two months of the semester. I just feel like doing nothing. I have an assignment due by the end of the day and I’m not even a quarter done. I just don’t feel like doing it. I stare at it and stare at it, and I still feel like I […]

Lonely

lately i’m in constant turmoil. i need attention. i’m not getting it.  i feel worn and dry, failure after failure.

the good news is i finally got diagnosed; persistent depression, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. i’ve been a little obsessed with my diagnoses but they have been so close to me all these years without ever being fully present or known. and now they are.

i’m trying but i’m so close to hurting myself again. i don’t want to bother others with it. i feel like it’s not cared for, anyways, or if i even do resort to that i’ll only be met with anger. i feel […]

dont you EVER talk to him again. he doesnt love you. he doesnt want you. he doesnt need you. you are worthless to him. whatever youre thinking, just forget it. you arent worth his time.

i forgot……someone like me…..really shouldnt get attached.

All I really do here is mostly complain. When you feel it inside, and question your existence… WHAT AM I DOING HERE?????
I was getting my eyebrows waxed the other day and the woman asked ‘so what have you been up to?’
I answered ‘not much’, and there was a brief pause.
I really haven’t been up to anything of note. It’s the truth. I’m sorry I didn’t have some super exciting story to tell.
-_-

i dont want to live. i dont want to die. i dont want to die but even if the pain was gone id still want to cease. im different and no one understands. ive tried to find people that understand but im just…….different i guess

Fact: Nobody likes a downer.

There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.

I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And […]

I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose […]

As I sat there, a young man, broke, unable to pay his own bills and still being supported by loving parents who believe that I just don’t care, when in reality, I just feel like everything and anything I attempt in any capacity is just pointless because of my sheer inability to do anything of note of value; it’s hit me.

Granted I’ve felt this for years at this point but still.

I’m my own worst enemy.

My disgusting obesity and overeating, constantly pissed off at everything I do incorrectly, always angry when parents, even when they say things out of love and support, or try to joke […]

Up and down, here we go.
I don’t know why but I seem to lose everyone. I am not good at building or keeping relationships and I don’t feel like I’m wanted anymore.
My husband puts up with me, he’s too good of a person, he would never willing abandon our daughter, so essentially I’ve built this trap and now he’s stuck with me. It wasn’t meant to be like that.
My friends…. what friends? Even the person I considered my best friend for years doesn’t talk to me much since they moved. Maybe I’m overthinking this, they invite me places sometimes, but idk, everything […]

I have destroyed my life. There is no one to blame but myself for the pain I am in. The tiny flicker of hope I had is fading and I’m afraid if it goes out, there will be catastrophic consequences. I’ve done so much wrong in my life, I have hurt my soulmate to the point our relationship is dissolving, and now I wait to see if the flames of hell will engulf me. The pain is more than I can bear. I am a monster of my own making. Poison to everyone I love. I have no more strength left. There is no one […]

Maybe one day the cuts will be deep enough/ I won’t be too much of a coward to do it.

This world or rather the people in it just keep on getting worse and worse and it’s just ridiculous now.

Am I a narcissist for wishing for a better world? Am I a narcissist for wanting people to do better, treat the world and each other better?
Empathy and compassion don’t cost a f*****g thing.

See the world for what it is and rise up instead of blindly following the governments of this world and playing out the agenda just as they intended? How many f*****g […]

Nobody cares if I die. Seriously.
It kinda sucks to not have people in your life that help you make the best life, people who understand your real self, your real problems and help you solve them

I don’t want to come off as sounding like a whiny ***** but I’m tired. I’m tired of being the only certainty in my children’s life. I don’t want to do it anymore. Everyone tells me that things get better but they never do. I’m trying my best but it never seems like its enough.

Someone please give me coals to burn, tape to be sure it stays within my room. If covid wasn’t here I would have done it months ago and succeeded. There’s just too many people in this house.

Everyday i wake up feeling horrible  i have no one to talk to or hold me. i feel like there’s something just not right with me. i keep pushing my friend  away when they try to talk but its just because they feel pressured to and I Don’t want that on them. my family surely wont love me. i cant trust them since Im apart of the lgbtq theyll kick me out of the house or drop me in camp in a heartbeat. it hurts so bad. i have nobody to turn to. i tried telling myself that im the only one who can determine […]

Technically I’m only around for my mum, she’s dependent on me to some degree. Yeah well, I have no SUBSTANCIAL interests, hobbies or talents. My life has been mostly crap but I have had some good moments.
Don’t agree with all the covid stuff (I’m not denying that covid exists though). Anyway I’ll leave it at that.
And I’m not made for this life (like many others) 🙂
EVERYTHING SUCKSSSSSSSSS

This despair will fade back into the background. Logically I know that. Tomorrow it will be covered over by anxiety, and distraction, and possibly even some brief excitement. But right now, it has me. And everything is wrong. And nothing will ever be ok again. But it’s fine, even though it’s not. Nothing to see here. Move along.

It’s come again. It’s winter. I have depression year round, but I can’t help but feel a bit more frigid during the winter. It is the season where things die. I should be working on my group project right now. I’m thinking about quitting it. It’s an extracurricular thing. I’ve been useless throughout the entire process. I’ve contributed next to nothing. I just show up to the meetings and say that I’ll try and do this and that, and I never do anything worth while. I should quit, but it will be another thing I […]