General

I wonder when I stopped caring about myself. When I started thinking that I’m useless. Beyond repair. Helpless. Someone that no one could ever genuinely enjoy spending time with. I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged anywhere. I’ve never had any real dreams. I’ve never really wanted to accomplish anything. The very few people that I ever care about always end up leaving me. And I’m not sure if it even hurts. My heart hurts, but I feel indifferent. I feel completely detached from myself. Like the things I feel are feelings from another person. I want to cry, but I can’t. […]

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I was always able to talk myself out of it. I never really made an actual plan. I always kind of dreamed about way’s I’d do it, but they were always violent and I knew I wouldn’t go through with it.

This is dumb but I actually joined the army hoping I’d get the opportunity to do it without my family knowing it was suicide.

I made a mistake while I was in and I think it’s about to bite me in the ass. I would lose everything. I don’t think I’d be able to look myself in […]

“I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter” -my shirt

Misanthropy is the general hatred, dislike, distrust or contempt of the human species, human behavior or human nature. A misanthrope or misanthropist is someone who holds such views or feelings.

You might think I’m a misanthropist, and by definition you might be right. (or there might be another word that fits it better, I don’t know them all) I mean, id love to watch them all burn. However, that labeling is EXACTLY why I feel the way I do. Before you call me or think whatever, I want you to take a minute to think. […]

I hurt her a lot more than she hurt me. I know that. It makes me feel guilty, and pretending she’s dead makes me feel even more guilty, but at least I don’t hope she’ll come back if I do.

I came up for air for a bit today. That is to say I sobered up for the first time in a few days. As sober as I get anymore, which I suspect is still in the refractory period for the intoxicants I use. I lasted about six hours…. found enough to do that I felt relatively productive to the point I didn’t have to run from the void.

Now I’m running again, and plan to run for a bit longer yet. I want to know what the pitch is for someone at my stage to sober up; oh no, throwing your life away? What life? […]

I feel like Im in a prison and I can’t get out. Im broken and just want to disappear but I can’t even find the strength to do that right now. I have to get away from my ex ASAP or she will eventually come over here and who knows what phase her bipolar will be. It could be good, bad or ugly. Right now good would be the worst because she would be able to control and manipulate me into giving her yet another chance to hurt me. Bad would be her screaming and yelling at me and ugly would be her smashing my […]

I don’t get it. I’m trying my hardest but it gets worse every day. I push myself to my limits every single day. But. I. Can’t. Not anymore. Why didn’t I just do it that day? For the girlfriend that I refused to talk to for 5 days after and then lashed out at, forcing her to leave me because I was angry at myself for not commiting suicide? I should have done it. I don’t get why I didn’t. Now I’m even worse. I’ve been lying on the floor for about 20 minutes but I managed to crawl into my bed. I don’t really […]

Cancelled my therapist appointment and now I’m getting drunk.

Lifes BS (I need to put that on a shirt lol)

(looking at footbath) well…. God knows how long we’re gonna be here and after the time I’ve been having I deserve it so fuck it. I’m treating myself to a spa day….. If I can figure out how this work XD.

31 years old and I feel like dying
I feel old

I still have no idea what her name was. She never told me her name. I never told her my name. How did I enter a month long relationship and I didn’t even think of asking her what her name was or telling her my name a single time? It doesn’t seem like something normal to me. I’ve never heard of any relationship like that.

Norma wore a fatsuit/ and that’s a caricature of me waiting for someone… Realizing this now. Haha if only

Not different…. Fatsuit…..  Best part… The mob had no idea why they were saying what they were saying… No sweat I was trolled by an old woman in theory- and seeing the real her – I would never date someone like that- in a million years- maybe I miss the traditional slow paced and logical approach to life, that I grew up around. I don’t think anyone can find that with this girl… Such a waste of time!

Well its been three days since my wife told me she is leaving and 2 days since I posted.

Yes.  I want to disappear from this world.  My wife’s news is the last straw.  All the negativity and violence in the news, all the it’s their fault, no its the other’s fault.   I cannot deal with this anymore.

At the time I did not have a plan to be a sure thing.   I am not going to overdose for attention, try to cut myself, nor can I use a method that has pain or fear unless it is instantaneous. (No jumping for me…)   Well  I now have […]

Whenever i attempt a relationship, i sabotage myself n assume he can do better and get someone skinnier and prettier than me. So now hes pissed off and is going to bed because i kept tryin to push him away. For some reason i feel like people are “settling” when they try to choose me. Because numerous exs in the past always saw me as a rest stop on their way to somethin better. And my inner self doesnt want to be treated like that ever again. Kinda why ive been single since 2011. I feel like being alone is better for me because it […]

I get $150 for spending money. I haven’t spent a cent (payday being last friday) and I already owe myself $60. That leaves me $90. And I need $50 for my cats tags in case they get out and a little under $50 for coffee I drink to help with my disorders.

Booze (much like weed) is a wonderful problem maker.

Also if I could make my home page just my stuff (so not the main site like it currently is) that would be awesome however even if that is possible I doubt it would happen considering the mods don’t even seem to be watching their own […]

I remember these hard days –  ^this clown’s sick of quarantine^
4-24-2020  /    Back then I had a crush on this girl – I dreamed up this like, not crazy-vindictive person. Someone smart- It ended so badly. I kept spotting her in different places. She’s from out of state. but I tried to look ahead and mind my own business anyway. and This is why ignoring your gut is bad… what a narcissist.  She set all of that up to call me […]

My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On […]

Wanting things is a problem. If I could just not care about anything, then no problems. No fear of losing out. No fear of death or pain. Just lie here in tranquility until my body shuts down, and gets returned to the earth. These atoms could be put to such better use in someone else. Someone without a me in their mind, twisting and tormenting them.

But there is wanting. There is attachment. There is fear. So I will lie here a while longer. But then I will get up, and continue the pretense that there is good reason for this organism to continue.