General

I hate that I can be out somewhere having fun, having a nice time, and trying to get drunk to forget my problems and always in the front of my mind I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t even feel tipsy even though I’ve drunken so much. We went to a golfing place and we were on the third floor and I just kept thinking if it would kill me jumping of the ledge from that third floor. I was surrounded by old coworkers and my boyfriend and still in my mind I thought I would be better off if I just sprinted off that ledge. […]

down below is some stuff i wrote for myself to read, it’s my attempt of exploring my relationship with suicide and death. i wrote this in a different language and i simply ran it through google translate, this might be unreadable, but i thought i should post something here once in a while.

everything i’ve wrote is deeply, deeply personal, i’ve never shared an analysis of my mind this personal and in detail before, on anywhere. i might come back and archive this, and also, i feel deeply insecure about my real age, i feel so bad for being this age because i feel like nothing […]

Pandemic is in a swing
Nightmares becomes dreams
A Holocaust is upon us
What a hell it will bring
Narcissists will becomes the normality
Feed that ego with toxicity
We all will lose our humanity
The world takes and it takes
You didn’t have to sell your soul to lose it
O, Cry Mercy, for the hell that awaits
When, we are punished for the crimes we didn’t partake
There’s a reserved seat for me, that’s full of torture
That will lead me to insanity
The world will break me down until it consumes me
6ft into the ground,when the world finally broke me

Screw it. Withdrawal jitters finally gone today.

I had a pretty bad day Thursday night. Last night of the week for me. I only put in 8hrs but by midnight I was having a full-on breakdown from stress/wd jitters/nausea/everything else. Texted some rambly awful crap to my roommate and, when quitting time came around, I just started walking towards home. Roommate drove into the parking lot after passing me on the road (didn’t see me), then txt’d me asking where I was. I just kept walking. She found me about half an hour later. She’s spent the last few nights hanging out with me making […]

I have BPD. Every few weeks I get angry at my boyfriend (Without a real reason) to the point that I break up with him and I tell him really hurtful things. I’m 25 and he’s 22, he’s really understanding all the time and he has the sweetest soul I’ve ever met. He knows that I have bpd and I’ve tried to push him away many times because I’m scared to hurt him. Everytime I have a breakdown I break up with him and block him on every social media and the next morning I regret everything I said and feel really bad. Honestly I […]

I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that disappearing from all of it was an option.  I remember the first day I thought of it clearly.    I even made a feeble attempt that day as well.   Nothing happened from it other than being told that “that was stupid”.   The irony of that is it was an alcoholic parent that told me that,  The same parent who talked about killing themselves throughout my teen years.    We were expected to feel guilty about that.  It was just desire to get attention in my mind.

Well since then the idea of making myself disappear […]

Surely hypothermia can be painless if one has drunk and lying in freezing water at the coldest day of theyear

Just wanted to say it to the universe.  Thanks… Thanks so much for making sure I fail at everything.

Nothing like being 60, in a dead-end entry-level minimum wage job because you have failed at every other job you have ever had.  Only my sister is left in my family and she hates my guts because I am completely disgusting in her eyes.  I am short, fat, ugly, and stupid.  I can’t even look at myself in the mirror most days.  I am married to a man that won’t be seen in public with me, but he is more than happy to have me be his […]

I don’t want to exist right now

i don’t want to lose connections I’ve made with people but fuck right now I just really do not want to exist.

There’s a good chance no one would reach out to me were I to not be present anyway. There’s doesn’t seem to be anyone who ever asks how I’m going or what I’m up to, even at my best of times.

I don’t really know why I care about anything but I do. Maybe that’s a good thing?
The fact that I am able to find things in life worth living for

Namely a newfound best friend

I love her so […]

Today was a new day, a day full of nothing like all the other day, I can’t think anything but that girl, I don’t even know if for her I’m still someone, she solved many of my problems but she also create a huge problem in me, which is that I liked her and still like her. The only moment I wasn’t feeling empty, it was when we were talking a lot to each other, like every nights, but one fucking day I should have say something that she didn’t like and after that there was nothing more than just classmate, of course today it […]

i’m turning 19 really soon, my sister is 8. i’m currently in my 2nd year of bachelors (living in the middle east, studying in india). my parents have been emotionally abusive and manipulative from 2015. it’s too fucking hard to explain and idh the time to type it out rn. they’re extremely conservative, religious and superstitious. i cannot share any details of my personal life with them as they’ll use it at a later time to constantly belittle me. they openly said they don’t like me as i’m an atheist and haven’t prayed in years. till 2017 they used to beat me up if i […]

I think I’ve really reached the bounds of existing now. I have nothing to look forward to. Look I know the world already sucked, but now it well and truly sucks. I’m tired of complaining because I know that so many people have it worse than me right now. There’s so much damage that’s been caused in the world and I don’t see an end in sight.
A few weeks ago I was invited to a wow guild, I’m sure the people there seemed friendly enough to some degree, but all in all I’m sure they didn’t want to hear about my misery anymore. I […]

This empty feeling fills my stomach. The girl who tried to get with my boyfriend so that “id kill myself” acting like I completely made up everything I told my man and acted like I was a crazy liar. now I sit in my room, filled with emptiness. I know the truth but in the back of my mind it feels like no one will believe me when she full heartedly denies it and acts like a fake *****. sorry for the complaining. just another day to conquer I guess. something just doesn’t feel right. manipulation and deceit have fucked up my mind. I see […]

I’ve decided I need to stop talking / typing / thinking / etc. It’s just plain bad. I put my foot in my mouth so much that all I can taste are nasty dirty socks. Especially when I’m tired and have been pulling loads of 12’s and got loaded up with modafinil to plow through it. I took too many last night and now I won’t sleep today, and I’ll do it all again tonight. And our lead is on medical leave, so I’m in charge of running this stupid freaking electric furnace the size of a house while coordinating our team and managing production. […]

I’m numb. I really don’t feel much and I am constantly thinking of ways to die. All the time. All the fucking time. But what’s stopping me? Lots is actually. But I know that won’t last long. I know it’ll get worse and that I’ll try and kill myself again. I know it. It’s been like this for the last 4 years. I don’t know if I have the strength to break the pattern. I really don’t. Give me something tangible to hold onto. Give me something real. Give me something that will actually stop me this time.

for years i told myself it could have been worse……and now sometimes i want to deserve my pain

Close to doing it