Miguel De Unamuno – An Eternal Elegy
Oh Time, Time,
relentless tyrant!
Oh terrible mystery!
The past does not return,
it never comes back again,
ancient history!
Yes, ancient, but always the same,
terrifying!
Always present…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
When consciousness is deprived
of the passage of time,
what is it that remains?
What happens to light if the mirror is broken?
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Fierce Saturn,
oh […]
Groundhog Day Loop Syndrome
(Image Source: Haruhi Suzumiya (Anime/Manga))
Itsuki: “We’ve entered an endless recursion of time. (x4)”
Intro
(Some rambling, sorry. :()
Sigh… I feel like saying so many things on here. 🙁
Like, most of it is on my profile I guess, but it would be nice to talk about personality stuff to see where everyone is at so I can get to know them, or if they never looked into it, they could to discover themselves. 🙂 Like, Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, arguably sillier ones like their D&D alignment, […]
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes […]
Hoping this doesn’t count as a ‘method’ – not my intention to break the rules.
For me, suicide is an end to pain. All the ways of ending it sound painful. I’m also spontaneous about it, so when I do have the strong urge to do it, I’m so in the throes of madness that I can’t think straight enough to end my life in a sensible way. And if I’m in a better state – just suicidal but not raging – when I think of the ways, it just exhausts me.
This pain is going to be in and out of my life forever, and […]
A constant force of remorse and transgressions.
I awaken each day to another level of hatred for myself. I don’t want to wake up anymore. A definitive motion of loss.
Shamed. I am shamed with the undignified soul of one not meant to stay here. I know I won’t be missed or mourned. I feel the loss becoming me.
Tortured mind is the one I have. No more reason to stay.
Exhausted in the task of waking. Weak in my heart and soul.
I will leave the light tonight.
I think I’ve finally decided suicide is the only option for me. It used to be one of a few, but those seem to have disappeared. I just can’t take it anymore. I am exhausted and at my threshold of pain and bullshit. I’d do it tomorrow if I had enough pills. I will have to wait for a refill. Time to plan and get things in order.
I’m sorry if I drag this on, but I’m not one to hold my tongue when something is bothering me. So I just want to address this for a moment. Why do some people like to make people who are hurting feel worse? I don’t mean everyone, some people help, but others just fuel the flame and worsen the pain. I’m not referencing to myself, even though I’ve been in this situation before a couple too many times. But if someone is in pain, and using a post or blog, video, etc. to vent or rant or cry for help, there are 99.9% of the […]
Been reading that the problem with the suicide is that the person feels more pain than they can cope with. But I don’t feel pain anymore. I’m just tired. EXHAUSTED. Everything in my life is loss and debts and failures and panic attacks and I’m tired of this. I used to feel a lot of pain. Now I don’t. Not anymore. I just want to stop existing.
That’s what I’ve decided to give myself. I’ve got until the end of April to turn things around or I’m calling it quits.
I haven’t had any significant work in 8 months now and while I’m still waiting to hear back about a couple longer term contracts, I’m completely out of money so if I don’t get these, I can’t go on living. I can’t even just go get a regular Joe job either because of my physical disability.
So that’s it. End of this month I’m giving notice for my place and all of April is basically going to be an Everything Must Go Fire sale. […]
I feel like I’ve exhausted the people I can talk to. I’m just boring people with my suicidal state now and I’m scared of driving people away.
I talk to friends. I rant on social media. I feel like I’m just wasting time talking to volunteers of hotlines. I post here. None of it makes me feel better or is cathartic in any way. It’s just something to do because my brain won’t let me do anything else.
Fuck me.
I feel like I’m several trillion spoons in debt… (if you get that reference)
So, the girl he was after rejected him. No, of course I don’t want him to be miserable but it would have been a bad situation for him to get involved with. He chases perfect little girls around or under 5′ tall and under 100 lbs. This one just so happened to be married (but in process of going to get divorced) with 2 little babies 9 months apart. It would have ruined everyone’s lives because of the things he has attached to his name. Which, could be the reason she had […]
I know, you’re like “duh, why else would you be here?” But ugh.
Last night there was a spider on my ceiling and I had a legit panic attack. Usually I kill the spider, but it just made me think about my ex that would save the spider and put it outside. I got on my bed and tried so hard to kill the spider, but I couldn’t. I laid down my bed and stared at the spider as my breathing and heart rate increased. I was thinking that it was a poisonous spider that would kill me in my sleep. But isn’t that what I […]
I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks. I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go. Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time. So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know. It all seems like so much effort. I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control. What about you? Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time […]
I keep dreaming about the child I lost and about his father that mistreated me every night. I can’t sleep (because even thou I am asleep, I can’t rest), I wake up with tears in my eyes. I feel tired and emotionally exhausted, and being awake makes me feel miserable so I try to sleep as much as I can. I really feel like giving up and I wish I could close my eyes and not wake up.
Another day living in this disenchanted society. In society I am not enchanting. In society I have to live a certain way and look a certain way. I cannot fit into this category. I can barely live. I am turning insane. I want to drop out of this cruel life I live in vain.
I am extremely exhausted of being in this world. So much is asked of me. On the outside is nothing but me and I am nothing to me. I hate walking around pretending to be like everybody else. I hate the falseness. Society is one false sob. Every single person idolized is […]
I should be asleep. I have to be up in 5 hours. The loneliness is eating at me again. I so badly want someone to understand what’s really going through my head. I want to be wanted for who I really am, rather than who I pretend to be. But it’s impossible. Necessary, but impossible. Can’t let go of it. Can’t fulfill it.
Wish I had something to knock me out every night. During the day I can fill my head with crap to drown out the loneliness.
Instead, I’m stuck in this cycle of feeling exhausted during the day, and then anxious/lonely at night.
I wish I had more energy, but life beats me down relentlessly. I’ve been unable to breathe for the last few weeks. Cold weather really messes with my lungs and turns them into bags of endless mucus and the slightest move I make causes me to hack up a lung… which is really making it 1000x harder to get around, on top of my normal disabilities.
I had to tell a friend of 8 years to fuck off because she really screwed with my feelings. Or,s he showed she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings. On a Monday she asks me to ask if I can […]
I’m scared. Everything is getting worse, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Everything is getting too much.
I’m ill again. The Angels have said I’ve been poisoned with something which also works to lower my immune system as well. The Others are going to make me suffer for as long as they can.
Speaking of the Others, they’re everywhere. In every street, every shop. I haven’t gone out in days. I’m not safe anywhere. They watch me during the night. I close all the blinds, all the curtains. I lock every window and door. I suppose I […]
i am trapped between suicide and survival. i want to die because i cannot live. but there are so many obstacles, and i am so tired… i don’t want to do anything substantial. i want to lay on the road and let someone else do all the work, but that would be incredibly selfish of me. (i know we’re not supposed to talk about methods, but that’s also a terrible method. don’t try it.) i want to fall asleep in the tub. sometimes i think about driving to the ocean and swimming until i can’t anymore, but i’m too afraid of the water. i feel […]
I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. I’ve had barely any sleep this past week. It’s getting bad again. I’ve slept 2 nights (Monday and Wednesday , I think) for about 4/5 hours each night, and the hours weren’t consistent. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, with falling back asleep awful. But despite this sleep deprivation, I need to stay awake. I need to watch in the night for them. They’re in my room constantly. Watching me. I need to stay awake so they don’t get me. The only time I can sleep is when they’re not there – which […]
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