General

2020 has savagely wrecked my life. Everything is my fault. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. I was given a horrible fate, and false. I fought a bad childhood just to be victimized by Life. I was always hopeful i could find a breakthrough. I messed everything. My past of actions through 2015 until now 2020 has caught up with me. I deserve to die. Even if people care, i feel like i deserve to die. I can’t live with the regret. The regret is killing me. My failures are killing me. My depression is killing me. The lack of family is […]

I once learned that self-hurt habits usually diminish as we grow. I always thought that the reason people stop cutting themselves was that they become mature and have better ways to cope with problems. I was wrong. I stopped mutilating my skin as I became an adult, but not because I was a better man. It was just that the depressed feelings became inherent and I felt so numb I couldn’t even hurt myself.

I live so hard everyday. Once in a while, I’ll see what my friends are up to and see that everyone else is enjoying their life. They go traveling with their friends, […]

The weed had been ” vacuum packed”. I took an instant dislike to the term. I said to the supplier what the hell was his supplier thinking vacuum packing the weed. The supplier said he had rebuked his supplier for vacuum packing the weed and had now put the fact that the weed had been vacuum packed behind him and suggested I should too. Being extremely fussy about weed I speculated aloud that the high from the weed might have been impinged upon because it had been vacuum packed, he said no, the weed was just compressed but the high would be fine. I wasnt […]

So yesterday my team and I turned in our group project. That makes the second term project for me this semester with one more to go. Overall we got a good response from the teacher. It didn’t work like we wanted it to, but we still managed to satisfy the professor. We probably won’t get the best grade in the class, but we didn’t fail. The thing is that’s not the best thing that I took away from this whole process. I still have a low opinion of myself and think that I will end up as nothing, but […]

If anyone’s read over my last posts, you’d know about the antidepressant withdrawal and the brain tumour. Things aren’t getting better, it has been 8 months and my emotions are still numb. Then again, I haven’t taken any pills yet. The Cabergoline is still in its prescription bag, and the antidepressants too.

My issue is, I spent money on a Reiki Healer as I wanted some of my lost emotions restored. Instead she heals my brain tumour and claims it’s gone for good. But how do I know it’s gone without evidence in front of me? I’m needing another MRI for that, but the doctors where […]

I know it’s a stale question a this point, but why do people use Facebook if they’re not even going to answer their messages? It’s like that one video with that homeless guy who talks about how dozens of old friends from high school hit HIM up and then not a one responded when he invited them to his birthday lol

But not even reading your messages? Just leaving them on read for days, weeks, even months? I just don’t get it

I force myself to put on an act. The public is my stage and my friends, my family, my coworkers you are all my audience. I put on this show, I make you laugh, I leave an impression, and I mirror the same emotions. The curtains roll and I return from the show. This is when the real show begins. It is exhausting putting on this act. Because when I get home and fall into bed there is no stage and there is no audience. All that is left is me. And it is not quite entertaining when it is just me in my head. […]

I’ve been running, for a long time, even this, in all of it’s apparent trying to deal, it’s running. As long as I must deny myself, I’m running from what I really want.

So here I am, drinking decaf coffee, looking at my vape like it owes me money, trying not to break down.

Not thinking I’m succeeding really, I tried to talk myself out of writing this, and here we are. I have no valid reason, merely hopes crushed and frustration. Yet, as I drove home earlier, I seriously thought about closing my eyes and ramming into a tree. It was delicious, just as a fantasy. […]

I imagine I’m not alone in this but regardless of my mood or what is going on, I find myself thinking of how something might kill me, not in a paranoid way of being scared, but driven by a curiosity.

I recently read about a plant referred to as the suicide plant because the pain from touching it is supposed to be so bad that the victims would rather kill themselves than endure through it, to the point that horses even throw themselves off of cliffs. I wonder if that pain would be enough to make me do something drastic.

I have a small jar […]

It’s the first post of today, it seems late… it’s cold and lonely… I’m too scared to go back to work, i can do the job fairly well and they like me but it’s so much stress i get physically sick just thinking i have to go in. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of being late, the hours are brutal too midnight to 10 or 11. Idk why it’s so terrifying for me it feels like anything else would be easier and i want to just quit but at the same time i have people who need me there at least to give them […]

I am falling apart and it is becoming more and more difficult to keep it together. I am in an immense amount of pain mentally, emotionally and physically. I think about how being dead will stop all of this, but I don’t want to die. But at the same time I’m incredibly weak and suffering right now. This hurts, it hurts equally I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. I want to live but I am in agony and it’s hard to keep it together. I want a little bit of relief and peace and the fact that I can’t seem to get that […]

Ten years ago today I lost my grandma, I will miss her indefinitely. How I wish she could have been here to meet my daughter and be a part of all the memories. How I wish I could hug her just one more time. She meant so much to me and supported me through all my craziness. It was her that I always ran to for support when I needed it.
I’ll never forget and I’ll always love her.

I lost all my parent’s help at Age 23, scared shitless because i’m homeless, gonna off myself if i don’t get this job to make my life better. Might have spend some nights in the freezing cold uncomfortable in the car. Haven’t seen mail in 3 months. Skating on thin ice. Need to save like $1500 for a place. First month rent. And deposit, utilities. Pray for me that i can survive. I’m proof the poor don’t necessarily die, but go without. Most shelters are 1) full 2) shut off to the public due to Covid. Oh my birthday was the other day, all i […]

I don’t see myself being around for another year (external reason I won’t directly mention here). When I see this topic mentioned in the media it just feels me full of dread. Again and again. I’ve been spending more time with my mum lately, as I know I don’t really have much time left. This isn’t a world I can be a part of. It’s not a world I can understand.

(If something drastic changes and I like the change, I’ll change my mind)

I should try pretending being really happy. Might make my days a very tiny bit easier. Even though I’m miserable inside and everything […]

Tomorrow is my 16th birthday but I just want to die, I wish I was never born. I feel like such a failure, I don’t have any friends and I’m failing school. I heard my parents arguing about me earlier, I know I’m a disappointment and my dad constantly reminds me . I don’t want to celebrate life tomorrow I want to end it. I’m so afraid of what will happen when I die but I can’t stand existing any longer.